Taurus
Your current employer is making you wanna quiet quit, or even just straight-up ghost them. Even though the job market is fucked, it can’t be worse than your current job. The next desk your resume lands on will be the right one. You deserve higher than minimum wage anyway.
Your controversial opinion: The Earth is flat.
Leo
Got your results back from the midterm yet? Don't take it too hard if you didn't get the mark you were aiming for – it was all rigged anyways. Keep your head up and lock in, because the exams are just a second chance to let your genius shine.
Your controversial opinion: The moon landing was fake.
Aquarius
It's time to party like you are in Katy Perry's ‘Last Friday Night’ music video. When the cops pull up because the DJ is too loud, don't make the mistake of believing that your friends ordered you a stripper. Real life isn't like Magic Mike, unfortunately.
Your controversial opinion: There are no birds on campus, only speakers in the trees.
Libra
I sense that you have recently crossed paths with something or someone who will become an important part of your life soon. You haven’t realised it, but in a week or two you're going to be face palming so hard that you missed it at the time.
Your controversial opinion: Pigeons are robots and charge via power lines.
Gemini
This week you will come to know what true patience is. Your smart-ass friend is going to mansplain a topic you know heaps about. Just let them – it's way more fun to correct them afterwards.
Your controversial opinion: Cancer has been cured already, they are just hiding it.
Aries
There are so many NPCs on campus. It's your job to distinguish between the real ones and those who will cancel the plans you've had for 2 months the night before. Time to do a re-assessment of your relationships this week.
Your controversial opinion: Selena Gomez is a clone.
Cancer
Your lecture slides are blurry and you’re getting migraines – time to pay a visit to SpecSavers. Don’t cry when you get the bill, just try to remember that health is wealth.
Your controversial opinion: Tin foil hats keep you safe from mind readers.
Pieces
This week will be hard, but something good is going to come from it. You may not see the silver lining at the moment, but trust me – the clouds are clearing up, and the lucky sun is going to shine down on you.
Your controversial opinion: The Meg is still out there.
Capricorn
Feeling down? Break out your nail polish, put on Barbie Charm School, and whip out Tinder. Have friends assist you in picking the cuntiest pic in your camera roll. You’ll have a Super Like by the end of the night.
Your controversial opinion: Macca’s uses human meat.
Scorpio
You have had a rocky time with love in the past, but new love might be heading in your direction. This time around, it pays to not sit back and let this one keep on walking by. Be bold and get their Instagram.
Your controversial opinion: Life is a simulation and you're the only REAL human.
Virgo
With exams on your mind, fresh off the back of mid-sem break, it's important to take a breather before going back into full study mode. Barreling towards your goals may be good short term, but 10 hour shifts in the fishbowl are not sustainable for your long-term sanity.
Your controversial opinion: Rich people do freaky cult shit in area 51.
Sagittarius
We both know you're guilty of holding people at arms length. It’s time to lower that guard and fully let someone in. Try taking it slowly and remembering that not everyone is out to get you. Some people love you for just being you.
Your controversial opinion: Phone updates are rigged to kill your phone.
