Taurus
Your inner child is running away from you. As you sit through your unnecessarily long lecture, you will wish you were still a kid who didn't have to put up with lectures and assignments. But enjoy the phase you're in right now, because you'll graduate eventually and forget all those crucial student life skills, like how to make $20 stretch the whole week.
Weekly mish: Take some nudes for future you to look at.
Pisces
Time to decompress. As an uptight student, you know barely how to mellow out. Try to do some yoga and spend a little time in downward dog. It always helps to loosen those muscles and the blood rush to the brain can make you feel loopy. It's like drinking without the hangover.
Weekly mish: Actually attend everything on your timetable.
Gemini
The stack of dishes by your sink is starting to look like two really tall towers. Be sure to tread lightly, because a small accident may just cause another Twilight saga to be written. Honestly, we really don't need to see more of Jacob rizzing up a minor more then we already have, so just clean the fucking dishes.
Weekly mish: Deep clean your flat. Like that spot-your-ex-never-managed-to-reach-in-you deep.
Aries
Stop blaming yourself for what's happened in the past. You're finally going to end your internal turmoil – it's time to self-heal, and nurture your confidence. Don't be anxious – instead, grab a sweet treat and the biggest cucumber you can find. It will make you feel better about the sugar consumption because it'll all cancel out.
Weekly mish: Make a Tiktok recipe.
Libra
You're sweating – midterms are around the corner! But right as this realisation happens, your phone will blow up. It's important to stay locked the fuck in. No gossip is worth compromising that GPA you need to get an internship so that you don’t wind up homeless at the end of all this. So turn your phone to DND, and ignore the seductive calls from hot singles in your area.
Weekly mish: Drive up Baldwin St in your friend's shit box car.
Sagitarius
When test stress causes you to over pluck your brows and consider shaving off all your hair, rather than buying a cheap razor, spend it on something you really need, like overpriced matching glittery thongs with your friends. And if your friends tell you a buzz is a good idea, they are NOT your friends.
Weekly mish: Listen to Tame Impala’s ‘Let It Happen’.
Capricorn
You overthink everything! It's wearing you down, wearing your friends down and wearing your grades down. Please, for the love of God, make a peppermint tea, take your meds, use that rose toy you got from Shein and finally understand that the whole world isn’t watching you.
Weekly mish: Find joy in one small thing you do everyday.
Scorpio
You have spent more time hungover recently than you have in your tutorials – it’s time to sober up. Your flatmates are so fucking pissed that you pee in the shower when drunk that they’re going to make a group chat without you in it to arrange an intervention. Yikes.
Weekly mish: Drink 2L of WATER (not vodka) in one day.
Leo
Karma's a bitch, you should've known better. If I had a wish, you would've never effed around! I cannot believe this, but Joelle Siwa may have been talking about you in that song. Your roster is on to you, so it’s time to decide where your loyalties lie before you lose all of ‘em.
Weekly mish: Be single.
Aquarius
It's time for the annual deletion of all of your social media apps. This year I give it three days before you re-download Instagram, convinced that you're only going to use it to message the flat GC. Unfortunately, you’re going to go right back to stalking your crush’s posts and doom scrolling to a point where time warps in weird ways and what feels like one hour is actually four.
Weekly mish: Say “bonsoir” to your lecturer as you leave your class.
Cancer
It's time to finally make good on that paint and sip night you've been talking about since last year. Pull up Bob Ross's calming voice and put some ice cubes in your wine, and if anyone spills some on the carpet just remember it's only a happy little accident.
Weekly mish: Invent a new shot.
Virgo
Shopping addiction is a slippery slope. It all starts with the gate way Temu, and slowly extends to spending your whole student loan payment at the Salvo. Just because it's from the op shop doesn't necessarily make it affordable to buy a whole new wardrobe. Remember, when you're next begging your parents for more money to buy that next hit, you already have clothes at home.
Weekly mish: Ask your CHEM191 tutor to fuck in the lab bathrooms
