Moaningful Confessions: Catman

Moaningful Confessions: Catman

We’re coming up on the anniversary of this story so I feel as though I have enough closure to share it. This was my first attempt at a Tinder hook up after a breakup, and I knew the guy from home so I thought it would be chill. No surprises, I was wrong. 

Everything is set up, I’ve got the flat to myself, I’m not drunk, I even bought a nice new g-string for the occasion. He comes over, and, I kid you not, 5 minutes into the interaction he starts meowing at me. Like a full on cat-like MROWW. This happens constantly throughout the evening at ANY point of slight silence in conversation. Also a lot of biting me? Especially on my nose? I’m sexually deprived so I choose to ignore this, and proceed to get in bed with him, where he says he wants to go to sleep and THEN says we need to take turns getting changed into our pajamas?? When I get changed he covers his eyes with his hands, in order to protect my modesty of course!! $15 on underwear WASTED.

When we’re both in bed I still have the audacity to kiss this man, and every single attempt at a makeout is met with more meowing and biting of my nose. Eventually he goes to sleep; turns out he is the WORST snorer in the entire world, so I am awake alllll night :)

He then wakes up and leaves at 7am (THANK GOD). The next few days are filled with many, many attempts to ask me out on a date, to all of which I politely say I’m busy. Eventually, after one of my refusals, he calls me, I pick up, and what am I met with on the other line? HISSING. A grown man hissing at me. To this I reply ‘no’ and simply hang up. There were a few more date requests after that, and eventually he gave up.

Moral of the story ladies, if a man’s pick up line on Tinder is ‘meow’ please don’t think it’s cute, he’s actually revealing something very very scary about his personality.

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2024.
Posted 8:53pm Friday 5th April 2024 by Critic.