Horoscopes: Week 6

When life gives you lemons, make a vodka LLB (lemon, lime and bitters), sit back and watch the world burn. There is nothing you can do to save those plebs.
Your morning mantra: I am healthy, I am wealthy

You are very aware of your surroundings this week. While your intuition is usually correct, not everyone is out to get you. Sometimes people’s vibes seem sketchy, but they just don’t know how to communicate. Give new people the benefit of the doubt.
Your morning mantra: I DON’T need coffee this morning

As the most passionate sign, you find yourself easily invested in the interests of your friends and this week is the perfect time to go hobby shopping. Try out everything you can get your hands on, you never know what you might find out about yourself.
Your morning mantra: Today WILL be a good day

Take a break from adulting, sometimes we all need a day to rot in bed. Remember the only person you need to impress is yourself. Wear those comfy pj’s all week, neglect your chore chart, and skip your tutorials. You deserve it.
Your morning mantra: I believe what I need will come to me

Your friend group is big and you love meeting people, but you’re often overlooked in big groups and seened in the chat. This week, speak up, use copious amounts of emojis to draw attention to your messages, and don't take silence as an answer!
Your morning mantra: My opinions DO matter

Change is coming and rolling with the punches is the best way to get through. But change isn’t all bad and sometimes it takes us from the maggot we were, to the fly who can spread their wings and soar above the rest.
Your morning mantra: Everything I need is within me

Be confident as the star in your life. Others are drawn to you like moths to someone on their phone in a dark room because of your ability to make everyone you speak to feel special. Just remember not to let your ego get the best of you, this could lead to a power trip that loses you half your friends’ respect.
Your morning mantra: I am grateful for everything I have

Autumn’s here, and now’s the time to get organised. The chaos of your room is starting to affect your life and your friends are taking notice. You haven’t been looking like your usual put-together self and this dishevelled look is not working for you! So donate those unworn clothes to a good cause and put all your due dates on a Google calendar.
Your morning mantra: I am not a slob

Your hair's so big because it's full of secrets, just like Gretchen Wieners! Just don't go around telling people those secrets otherwise you will go bald! Boo, you whore.
Your morning mantra: I am so fetch and smart

The change in weather brings new emotions for you that you aren’t used to (sadness). But don't worry, when you go back home for a break the seasonal depression will give it a rest for a few days. If you aren't leaving Dunedin, sucks to be you xx
Your morning mantra: When I’m back in [insert hometown], I feel it

Your need to roam is becoming all-consuming, so seek adventure, Sagittarius. Whether that is finding a new sesh spot in the Botans or going to Clip-and-Climb, sometimes we all need to be let off the leash to run wild and free.
Your morning mantra: I embrace everything given to me

Count your blessings Capricorn, because once you tally up all the good things in life you realise it doesn’t suck as much as you think it does. It's the little things that count, like when someone else’s Uber Eats gets delivered to your door or when you find a free car park close to uni.
Your morning mantra: No one is out to get me

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2024.
Posted 8:28pm Friday 5th April 2024 by Critic.