Horoscopes: Week 11

Horoscopes: Week 11


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Aquarius, it’s easy to feel alone in this world. But don’t worry. A new, special someone is on the horizon for you. Don’t give up on love and comfort, it’s just around the corner.

Snack of the week: Spring rolls. 


Feb 19 - Mar 20

It’s normal to feel frustrated and unheard. But next time someone tries to shut you up or question your intellect, simply rip their head off (with words, of course.)The time for politeness and peace has passed.

Snack of the week: Hummus and carrot sticks. 


Mar 21 - Apr 19

Time to get back in tune with your true self, Aries. The facade and act you put up is not an accurate depiction of who you are, and we can all see through it. The best thing you can be is your obnoxious, problematic and feral self.

Snack of the week: Coconut milk flat white.


Apr 20 - May 20

Taurus, this week you should buy a mirror. Not for the purpose of looking at yourself, but for the purpose of REFLECTING upon yourself. Your actions affect others, and it’s time to take some responsibility for the trouble you may cause.

Snack of the week: Cereal. 



May 21 - Jun 20

Life sucks? Well, surprise surprise. Welcome to the universal human experience. You can’t be a flourishing, gossiping socialite all the time. Sometimes you need to be in the pits.

Snack of the week: Green onion chips. 


Jun 21 - July 22

It’s time to get your shit together and build a life away from your comforts. Try a new food, fuck a new sneaky link, set a radical boundary. Familiarity is boring, and it will turn you into a sack of a human.

Snack of the week: Raisins and trail mix. 


July - Aug 22

It must be exhausting being the most beautiful and special person to ever walk the face of this earth. Keep up the good work of setting the bar unattainably high, and making those around you insecure as fuck.

Snack of the week: Fish tacos. 


Aug 23 - Sep 22

You deserve to ROT this week. There is no time for perfection and hustle. Order yourself UberEats every night, wear the same hoodie 4 nights in a row, pick your acne, and hoard cups in your room. Live a little, embrace the rotting experience.

Snack of the week: Spicy McNuggets. 


Sep 23 - Oct 22

There is no task more debilitating than being the smartest and most articulate in the room. It’s not your fault everyone around you is a raging, uninformed idiot with no sense of emotional intelligence. Just keep doing you, and rewards will follow.

Snack of the week: Sparkling water with lemon. 


Oct 23 - Nov 21

You need to stop jumping to unnecessary conclusions, and thinking everything is a personal attack. Not to burst your bubble, but most people don’t actually give a flying fuck about your opinion and every emotion you feel. Hit a joint and take a breather.

Snack of the week: Ice cream. 


Nov 22 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to over exaggerate, which is going to do more harm than good. While it’s fine to embellish the truth to random drunk people at bars, you might want to start watching how frequently those lies add up, or trouble may arise.

Snack of the week: French fries. 


Dec 22 - Jan 19

Your lack of awareness or ability to feel emotion actually makes you a major piece of shit. This week, attempt to feel something inside your dark and decrepit soul. Those around you can feel this energy, and no one likes a party pooper.

Snack of the week: Prunes. 


This article first appeared in Issue 11, 2023.
Posted 3:39pm Sunday 14th May 2023 by Critic.