Bush-bound Bandit Bamboozled by Bureaucracy
Posted 5:35pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune
Jamie O’Mannin, 31, was recently arrested after spending the last 12 years living on the West Coast, subsisting off of freeze-dried meals stolen from trampers spending the night in DoC huts. He had overstayed his visa by 11 years. Jamie was arrested last week, when he was caught in Mt. Read more...
Cheeky Cheater Cheats Cheap Cheaters
Posted 5:37pm Sunday 27th March 2022 by The Critical Tribune
Sometimes failure can lead people to their true calling, as recently discovered by an entrepreneur who lost her passion for first year Health Sci after one failed progress test. Now pursuing a Business degree, Critic became aware of Annie after several tearful complaints from Auckland HSFY students Read more...
Shopping trolley stocks plummet as students hit north D
Posted 3:08pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune
Supermarkets across the city are reporting shortages of shopping trolleys, as students move into town and claim the sterling vessels as their own. “It’s madness”, said one New World employee. “Yesterday, I saw a woman back her RAV-4 all the way up to the building’s door Read more...
Emergency Summit Fails To Avert Fresher-Second Year War
Posted 3:09pm Sunday 27th February 2022 by The Critical Tribune
A fragile peace between first- and second-years has collapsed amidst accusations of aggression on both sides. Relations between the two groups frayed after mass movements of freshers were detected around the traditionally second-year strongholds of Castle Street and Forth Street. Concerns about Read more...
Student Watches Cooking Video and Actually Cooks the Recipe
Posted 12:35am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune
After spending most of his life aimlessly scrolling through cooking videos for entertainment, a student has made the leap to actually cooking a recipe from a video that he watched. In an interview with the Critical Tribune the student, who wished to remain anonymous, disclosed that upon Read more...
Pens Get Ready to Run Out Mid-Exam
Posted 12:35am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune
A group of pens sitting in the bottom of Connor Jackson’s bag have revealed their dastardly plan to run out precisely in the middle of his LAWS101 exam. The hopeful first-year law student has no idea what his pens are scheming up for him. “I’ve been saving up for this moment all Read more...
Waka Kotahi to Permanently Concrete over Bat Holes During George St Upgrade
Posted 12:36am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Contractors for Waka Kotahi (NZTA) have announced plans to concrete over bat roosts during the recently announced George St one-way upgrade. The announcement follows the revelation by RNZ that builder's foam was being used to fill in potential bat roosts on the route of the proposed Mt Read more...
Texting Scam Offers Free Booze, Catches 90% Of Student Population
Posted 12:33am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Students across Dunedin were caught up in a sophisticated scam over the past week which exploited their core weakness: the ingrained need to get on the piss. The scam involved a text being sent to students prompting them to open a suspicious link. It promised a free box of booze if they download Read more...
Medical Student Concedes She is Not a Doctor
Posted 3:54pm Sunday 26th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune
In a shocking revelation, medical student Lily has admitted that she is “not a doctor”. Lily’s friend Sam was playing a game of pick up at Logan park. He twisted his ankle, and the crowd turned to well-known second year med student Lily for help. She refused. “I’m Read more...
Students Forced To Clean In The Leith Amidst Bathroom “Upgrades”
Posted 7:04pm Monday 20th September 2021 by The Critical Tribune
Peaceful spring mornings on University campus have been disrupted by hordes of students descending upon the Leith to cleanse in lieu of their own scummy bathrooms. With flat viewing season rapidly kicking into gear, landlords are once again doing the bare minimum to make their hovels hospitable, Read more...
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