“Satdee Night Antics” Lead To Stolen Sign

“Satdee Night Antics” Lead To Stolen Sign

Pricey promotional placard pilfered by presumably-pissed pricks

A brand-new promotional sign outside on Cumberland Street was stolen, with the theft blamed on “satdee night antics”. As of press time, it had not been found despite a juicy financial reward on offer.

The sign was purchased just before Christmas by the Northgate Shop, which runs the convenience store next to the (separately-owned) Waitomo petrol station on Cumberland Street. Standing 69.5cm tall (nice) and 60cm wide, the plain black sign had advertised the delights on offer in the shop: drinks, ice, coffee and trailer hire. It had only been there for a few weeks, but that was long enough to make its presence felt, as the grass underneath it had already changed colour.

Disaster struck on the night of March 5. It was a warm Saturday night, and with the first wave of students beginning to emerge from their plague dens, an irrepressible urge to get on the rark was thick in the air. Sirens wailed up and down the one-ways all night, but right under their noses, at 2:02am, the crime of the century was being committed.

At 9:30am the next morning, a desperate cry for help went up on the Otago Flatting Goods page from Narese, a co-owner of the shop. “Whoever took the sign from outside the cumberland st petrol station/subway could you please bring it back…no questions will be asked! We understand satdee night antics but we really need it back thank you,” it read. Alongside the plea was a forlorn picture of the grass patch where once stood a sign.

The Facebook community was less than helpful. When we last checked, the post had received 27 “haha” reacts and 15 likes, with only 1 “sad” react and, intriguingly, a single heart. The comments section was no more inspiring, with the exception of Christopher, who confidently blamed “typical limp-wristed townie students” for the crime despite the fact that strong wrists are a well-known requirement for any up-and-coming sign bandit.

When a grainy CCTV image of the crime was posted, the (very real) crack analytics team at Critic Te Arohi pointed out at least two humanoid-looking bipedal figures, sign in hand. Alongside this footage was dangled a juicy financial incentive: a cool $100 in Northgate Store credit for anyone who returns the sign. As of press time, though, no one had stepped up and the sign bandits were still at large. Who are they, and where will they strike next? 

This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2022.
Posted 12:29pm Sunday 13th March 2022 by Denzel Chung.