My frequent inability to grow meaningful facial hair played into my favour last Monday, as I joined the hordes of naive high schoolers venturing onto the University campus in order to see how much Open Day had changed since I was a wee lad.
My first port of call would have been the Schools’ Liaison stall in the Link, but as I approached I realised that they were stocking copies of the 2021 Guide to Enrolment (of which I unfortunately feature on the front cover) so I had to abandon that plan extremely fast. I continued venturing throughout the Expo but literally nothing had changed from when I was there two years ago (except Art History, rest in peace).
I continued my due diligence however, tentatively walking up to stalls and asking about what papers each subject offered. Disaster almost struck partway through, when I walked past stands attended by lecturers and students who actually knew who I was. As a result, my voice promptly dropped an octave deeper and I straightened up to add a few centimetres to my height before I was asked any strange questions.
Tours of residential colleges were also offered, but I could smell the breatha energy radiating from UniCol and everywhere else was too far away, so I gave that a skip (even a high schooler should be able to understand that the only things you’re getting from UniCol is a C average and alcohol poisoning).
Last on the list was a Health Science demo lecture in Castle 1. Naturally this was packed to the rafters with heretofore unbroken students, and I took a moment of silence for the poor souls completely unaware that they were in for a world of hurt should they continue with the Sisyphean climb into Med. I was quickly put on the spot by the student next to me who eagerly asked me what high school I was from, and I quickly muttered “Johnnies” under my breath, hoping I’d pass this unexpected test.
Mercifully, the lecture got quickly underway and that ticking time bomb was defused before I could be questioned further. However, as I felt my eyelids grow heavy, I quickly realised that if I was going to fall asleep in a lecture, I could do it in one that I was actually meant to be in. Mustering the last of my energy, I snuck out the back and dashed off to St Dave’s, my undercover operation finally completed.