OPINION: Crunchy Peanut Butter is the Best Type of Peanut Butter

OPINION: Crunchy Peanut Butter is the Best Type of Peanut Butter

Crunchy peanut butter is the superior type of peanut butter, and if you disagree with that, then you should take a good, hard look at yourself.

There are some big issues going on in the world, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room for debate about peanut butter. Usually, I wouldn’t get my feathers so ruffled about something so small. But after hearing that OUSA President Jack Manning, who could be described as a well-respected figure on our campus, prefers smooth to crunchy, I thought it was about time that this debate was settled once and for all. Crunchy peanut butter is superior, and here’s a list of reasons why. 


1. Texture and Taste 

Smooth peanut butter is like your high school boyfriend. It is tasteless, unreliable, boring and completely full of shit. You open a jar of smooth peanut butter and it just sits there, waiting for you to do all the work. You spread it on your toast, or dip an apple into it, and there it is. A globby, uninspired mess. When you put it into your mouth, there is no effort or simulation. When you’re done, it sticks to the roof of your mouth, coating your teeth, clinging on for dear life screaming “please don’t leave me” like some desperate guy on a night out.

Smooth peanut butter is for those who do not understand the importance of true grit, hard work or determination. It can’t make up its mind, and it definitely has commitment issues. Is it peanut butter? Is it just butter? Is it made from real peanuts, or the gross processed shit? Absolute fuckery if you ask me. For all we know, there could be peanut shells in there.

Crunchy, on the other hand, is like the man of your dreams. It’s full of texture, taste and crunch. It doesn’t lack substance, it’s full of chewy, delightful goodness which transports you to another dimension. Every bite is a new adventure, providing a different ratio of crunch-to-salt and smooth-to-sweet, no matter how small the morsel. 

Crunchy peanut butter radiates big dick energy, it makes you work for it. You open a jar of crunchy peanut butter, and it takes centre stage. It is the Leo star sign of spreads. You spread it onto your toast, the crunchy nuts rising to the surface, while the smoothness melts into the bread. You take a bite and it hits you like the first time you did gear. You feel unstoppable yet warm and fuzzy. Your jaw is out of control, trying to wrestle with the substance which has overtaken your body. Crunchy peanut butter will never let you down. There is no time for bullshit, it gets right to the point. 


2. Crunchy Peanut Butter is Better for You 

Not only is crunchy peanut butter superior in taste and texture, but it is also healthier for you. According to actual nutritional facts, crunchy peanut butter has more folate and fibre, as well as being lower in saturated fat. Now, I’m no nutritional expert, but those ingredients seem like pretty important things, and there’s no way you can argue with science. Crunchy peanut butter doesn’t want to hurt you, she wants to heal you, fuel your soul with all the nutrients you need to get through this dark and dangerous world. Smooth is nutritionally inferior. 

If you still eat smooth peanut butter, then you’re probably also the type of person who orders a half shot of vodka or drinks Tui.


3. Crunchy is More Compatible 

Peanut butter is so much more than just a spread. Peanut butter is a versatile substance, which can add flare to any other food, creating the most delightful and surprising of combinations. But, yet again, crunchy peanut butter takes the cake in terms of its compatibility and adaptability with other foods. Crunchy peanut butter reminds you that you are, in fact, eating nuts. Think of all the great flavour combinations. Chocolate and peanut butter. When smooth, cocoa goodness collides with its salty, crispy counterpart. You can’t have smooth on smooth, that just screams ‘I’m a lazy, boring fuckwit,’ who wouldn’t understand a good flavour combination if it was shoved down their throat. 

Take the classic peanut butter and jam. The sticky, sweet, berry-filled goodness smushed together with its crunchy, grainy sidekick. It’s kind of like the pairing of a Virgo and a Pisces. Analytical logic meets a whirlwind of emotion and romance. It screams innovation, and shows incredible character development. 

Crunchy peanut butter is superior, and there is really no other way to put it. It has everything you could possibly want and need in a spread. It’s got taste, texture, character, nutrition, providing an experience of no other. 

The masses also agree with me, according to a highly reliable statistical source, being a recent poll on my Instagram. If you still disagree, and continue to go through life as a smooth peanut butter fiend, then I seriously think you should take a good, hard look at yourself. If you disagree, feel free to square up with me outside the Pic’s Peanut Butter Factory or email annabelle@critic.co.nz. I will be waiting, fist full of peanuts. 

This article first appeared in Issue 14, 2020.
Posted 10:39pm Thursday 6th August 2020 by Annabelle Vaughan.