OUSA to Adopt Bill and Bill

Hello to our new gay sons

The first working day after our beloved Bills returned to the University campus from their alleged ab-duck-tion, OUSA began the process of informally adopting our gay icons. 

According to OUSA Welfare and Equity Representative Michaela Waite-Harvey, the Executive are currently “investigating options that are the best for the Bills’ welfare”. OUSA is actively consulting with the Department of Conservation and other animal welfare organisations to “ensure our association and protection of the Bills is permanent and meaningful”.

“I don’t care about paradise ducks,” said OUSA Vice-President Georgia Mischefski-Gray while Michaela and most of the Executive eagerly engaged with the idea of informally adopting the Bills. From what Critic can gather, Georgia is not actively resisting the adoption process.

During their Monday executive meeting, the Exec discussed various ideas to bring the Bills under the OUSA banner, such as signing a Memorandum of Understanding with the pair. However, they quickly decided that dipping the Bills’ feet in ink to sign such a document would be too “traumatic” and that idea was scrapped. 

The Exec also floated the idea of giving life membership to the Bills, however it is unclear whether it is possible to give non-humans life membership under the OUSA Constitution. Due to the fact that the Bills are technically Crown property and cannot be adopted, Michaela said that “informally bringing them under our banner provides no legal obstacles and will achieve just as good an outcome as a formal adoption would have”.

“The Bills are beloved members of the student community, and campus is their chosen home,” said Michaela. “As long as they remain here we want to watch over them to ensure that they are protected and happy here.” 

By bringing the Bills under the OUSA banner, the Executive hopes to ensure that they remain safe and happy to angrily roam around the Union Lawn. The more important question, however, is whether that affords them the same privileges as students. If so, we could see the Bills take a tilt at the presidency when OUSA elections open later this year, and I, for one, welcome our new gay overlords.

This article first appeared in Issue 13, 2020.
Posted 9:41pm Thursday 30th July 2020 by Alex Leckie-Zaharic.