Bouncing off the Halls

Just a Quickie with Your Classy Companion

Toroa College gets us off to a terrific start, with rampant stories of debauchery echoing from every dingy corner. One night in the “party unit” and things quickly got out of hand, with a few frothing freshers punching holes in the roof and just generally tearing up the place. With what seems total obliviousness to the best thing about hall living (free heating), a couple of crazy cats ripped the heaters off the wall and smashed furniture. We’re sure this is going to go well for future students freezing their nips off. However, even this mindless destruction could not top what one grubby Toroa girlie did after Ori Week. After a huge night at Toga, this tragic Toroa toddler mistook her mattress for a port-a-loo and released her bowels over and across her fresh white sheets. Shaking and humiliated, the now thoroughly emptied gal looked around desperately for a way to cover up the shameful act. The solution? Flipping over her mattress and leaving it for an entire week — only for the not-so-sweet aroma to eventually reveal her disgusting deed to her gagging neighbours. Mmmm … pungent. At the not-so-prestigious college on the hill, some foxy Knoxies have been getting rather frisky. For two freaky freshers, a serendipitous meeting on the shuttle from the airport to the college soon became steamy, with the two lovebirds barely making ten minutes from meeting in the taxi to dancing the horizontal tango in their newly christened rooms. There must be something in the water at Knox, as two sub-wardens have also caught the lovemaking bug. The two subbies have allegedly been taking joint showers — obviously in a desperate effort to conserve water and halt the rapid effects of global warming. Good on you, Knox; you’re really doing your part to save this planet. Selwyn College never fails to provide some interesting stories, with one rookie consuming far past her limit and bailing off a two-storey balcony. Thankfully she hobbled away with only a sprained ankle and some lost dignity — although knowing this pie-stealing plebeian personally, there wasn’t all that much dignity left to lose. That’s all for now, folks. Until next time, stay with us as we continue to track the literal comings and goings of 2015’s new intake of alcoholics.

This article first appeared in Issue 5, 2015.
Posted 6:33pm Sunday 22nd March 2015 by Staff Reporter.