Costly consumption

This week’s visit to the Proctor saw students fronting the cost of their drunken antics by way of joy rides in the ambulance, trips to the dry cleaners and stolen lunches.

While many end up at A&E on a Saturday with little recollection of how their injuries were sustained, the Proctor was quick to remind students that even though the hospital service is free, a ride in the ambulance isn’t. “Those in a drunken state and who find themselves in an ambulance to get their stomach pumped … don’t know that it will cost about $80 to $90 to go to hospital.” He added that students can join St John by subscribing to their services, but for those with a lack of foresight for intoxicated injuries, Critic suggests taking the walking bus to the hospital, or a piggy-back.

Another “dumb idea,” according to the Proctor, is when students tactically “vomit into a bucket and then decide to take it out onto the street and throw it on the first person you see.” Neither person can expect to get away clean. Sharing your bodily fluids with pedestrians might not be the best idea “especially if it is a long leather coat, which is hard to get the smell out of. You’re looking at around a $90 bill,” said the Proctor. Critic suggests those who wish to share the remnants of their dinner take precautionary measures such as assessing the attire of the recipient, in order to achieve a suitable match of vomit-to-vest exchange.

In other antics, a group of girls played real-life GTA and waylaid a vehicle in the street refusing to let the car drive on, despite polite protests from the boys inside such as “please excuse us and let us go.” The girls then ran around to the back door and opened it and then “pulled the lad’s tea from his lap.” The Proctor said the girl who stole the boy’s lunch “is probably going to pay ten times what he paid for that meal.”

Finally, breaking glass appears to be another perfect way to break the bank. A couple of gentlemen who threw bottles at a Residential College were served over $500 in fines each. The Proctor said the fines were calculated “by the seriousness of what they threw” and that “you never know who is behind the window, or the glass door.” Critic is terrified. The Proctor is watching.
This article first appeared in Issue 13, 2014.
Posted 2:07pm Sunday 25th May 2014 by Claudia Herron.