Tall, White Male Selected as 2014 Critic Editor in Shocking Upset

Tall, White Male Selected as 2014 Critic Editor in Shocking Upset

It’s third time lucky for Critic’s resident ladder-climber Zane Pocock, who has been named Critic editor for 2014.

“Fuck that took a while,” Pocock sighed when told the news. He has since been spotted standing at the OUSA balcony for hours on end, staring longingly and with just a hint of pride over the students he expects to mislead next year.

Pocock started his epic and brutal quest to reach the top as a film reviewer in first year. However, he has now admitted that “there were a few shaky rungs that I discovered as I tried to increase the pace too much.

“Pulling one out from under this year’s first Editor was certainly a risky move. If he fell the wrong way it could have wiped me out, too.”

Fears have been raised that, at 21, Pocock is far too young for a job where the last three managers have been ageing man-children. It is understood that his desire to prove himself at the top of Critic’s ranks comes out of a tortured self-consciousness that, in his youthfulness, he can’t grow proper facial hair, a claim Pocock fervently denies. “Sometimes I need to shave!” he retorted. Still on his learner’s, Pocock even has a mullet in his drivers’ licence photo. Which says it all, really.

Pocock is also understood to be an ardent left-wing liberal, with his Facebook friend list having halved following his rants about the 2011 election outcome. This has concerned many who foolishly see Critic as holding a lot of influence over how students will vote in an election year. However, because these political beliefs are in the public sphere, Pocock believes his selection has given him a mandate to pretend the right wing doesn’t exist.

“It’s just quid pro quo, really. If John Key thinks he has a mandate to sell our assets, then I have a mandate to … wait, who are we talking about?”

With a high level of interest in contemporary art, Pocock is also promising that most content next year will be wanky, convoluted and confusing. “But it will look really interesting,” he assures us.
This article first appeared in Issue 26, 2013.
Posted 4:26pm Sunday 6th October 2013 by Irrelevant Irvine.