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It is with great sadness that Critic farewells an old friend – a rooster of epic proportions who once crowed the loudest stories of incompetence and befuddlement. Although not yet dead, the career of MP Peter Dunne has been given only a year to live.

Long holding a cherished position in the hearts of Critic staff members as “best Photoshop subject,” Dunne was cruelly yanked from his life support on 7 June after continuing to fight his brave battle against governmental cancer.

Dunne told reporters it was “with a heavy heart” that he gave in to such pressures. Reporters are, however, still calling for the release of medical records that placed him in this situation. “Those records contain very personal details,” Dunne has responded. “I won’t even let my wife see them.”

It is understood that Dunne has backtracked on one of his most controversial policies – the fight against synthetic drugs – as he is expected to indulge heavily in such substances for pain numbing and distraction in the coming months.

This comes only days after his first child, United Future, died suddenly and spectacularly following the realisation that it was exceptionally unpopular not only in school, but also in its wider social circle. “I’m the only kid with fewer than 500 friends on Facebook,” the suicide note lamented.

Born in Christchurch on 17 March 1954, Dunne’s life as a career politician has been overshadowed only by his signature hairstyle. From 1984 to 1994 Dunne was a not-so-closet Rogernomics right-winger in the Labour Party; however, he resigned from the party when fellow righties such as Roger Douglas and Richard Prebble (known collectively as the Act Party) exited stage right.

Seizing his opportunity, Dunne then formed the Future New Zealand Party, which, through a clusterfuck of name changes and mergers with other “centrist” parties, became the United Future Party in 2002. Throughout this time, he tickled the fancy of Prime Ministers left and right with his bow ties and glazed eyes. His ensuing policies were delightfully liberal: supporting the decriminalisation of homosexuality, favouring more liberal drinking laws, and calling for a review of New Zealand’s abortion laws, which would leave the decision to a woman and her doctor.