$1.4 Billion, Still No Hydroslide

A hard-hitting article by the ODT’s Vaughan Elder has revealed that the University of Otago is the most asset-rich of New Zealand’s many illustrious tertiary institutions. With $1.4 billion in total assets, Otago left the University of Auckland to sob all the way to the bank with its miserable asset base of $1.37 billion.

Before the New Zealand public jump to the reasonable conclusion that the measure of university assets is part of a legitimate ranking system, Critic would like to point out that the ODT simply requested numbers from the Tertiary Education Commission and then declared the University of Otago to be the richest.

Elder even managed to write the article without actually interviewing anyone from the University. In a controversial new policy, Critic has decided not to do any of its own reporting, choosing to simply re-report the ODT’s stories with less grammar and more lolz.

Critic suggested to the University that, since it seems so intent on expanding the value of its assets, it should seek to invest in a few major areas:

01. An international airport: If it’s good enough for Invercargill, it’s good enough for us. Coldplay can land their jet, and the city might have a hope in hell of filling up that $100 million hotel some undisclosed entity is so intent on building.

02. A massive bouncy castle: Imagine how much better study breaks would be if there was a huge fuck off bouncy castle on the Union lawn. Critic does acknowledge that the astronomical cost of cleaning SoGos and semen out of bouncy castle seams would make the cost of upkeep a weakness of this particular investment.

03. Fever Club: To train the cougars of tomorrow. Let’s face it, Fever Club is the only bar in Dunedin that would appeal to both students and staff. 80s décor, terrible music, middle-aged patrons, and disco lighting on the dance floor mean it has everything that the University could ever want from an entertainment venue.

04. A space station: Even NASA is using private firms to send supplies into space these days. If the Uni is going to ball, then ball properly. And space travel is where tomorrow’s ballers will be at.

05. A giant golden statute of Logan Edgar: We all love that larrikin bloody Scarfie, but he’s not going to be around forever. A10 metre erection in Logan’s honour would be a fitting way to commemorate our beloved president.

The University had not responded to Critic’s suggestions at the time Critic went to print.
This article first appeared in Issue 14, 2012.
Posted 8:39pm Sunday 3rd June 2012 by Staff Reporter.