Study suggests lazy drunks do not outperform diligent nerds. Everyone deeply surprised.

A recent study has crushed the age-old myth that binge drinking and afternoon classes are the most effective method of achieving excellent grades at university.

The research, conducted by two psychologists at St Lawrence University in America, studied the habits of 253 students and found that those who attended earlier classes achieved better grades compared to those who attended later classes.
The study made more groundbreaking discoveries, finding that those who attended later classes also tended to consume more alcohol and stayed up late “discovering their inner demons”.
Critic decided to investigate further by attending both an early and late Health Sci lecture to compare attendees on completely unscientific grounds like whether they looked smart or not.
Unsurprisingly Critic was late to the 9am lecture, only just catching the end of Logan Edgar’s campaign video played at the start. Disturbingly, even at this early hour St David’s was completely filled to the brim with eager first years, and a heady mixture of learning and intellectual curiosity filled the air.  Unfortunately this did not mix well with the pseudo-hangover this reporter was nursing.
Much to Critic’s disgust, the 4pm lecture was barely half full, with most of the attendees appearing to be ugly and stupid looking. Apart from one girl dancing, there was no atmosphere in the later lecture, leaving Critic wondering what we had done to deserve the punishment of being surrounded by such boring creatures.
Critic concluded after this detailed study that the American psychologists were probably right. Critic has now offered to join them in establishing a global partnership dedicated to cutting edge research on the difference between successful students and the kind of lazy slops that studies Tourism.
Posted 4:21am Monday 10th October 2011 by Lozz Holding.