Bouncing off the Halls - 23
Sex is a fascinating topic. According to everyone’s old mate Darwin, sex is the sole purpose of our existence, and nowhere is this truer than the colleges of the University of Otago. At Otago the usual courting process involves twenty alcoholic drinks followed by a vast array of sloppy dance moves at one of Dunedin’s quality nightclubs. Once back at the cave, the male will attempt to insert his semi-erect penis into the female in a display that resembles a kitten playing with a defrosted sausage. Three minutes later the deformed offspring is conceived, and the female will spend the next few years making more on the benefit than she would have with her tourism degree. Such is the miracle of life.
For those that are so ugly that they cannot entice the opposite sex into making an unfortunate mistake, even whilst twenty Cruisers deep, masturbation has to suffice. A Caucasian male, residing at the unfortunate mistake that is CityCol, is now well known for his take on this popular pastime, which many call ‘danger beating’. The inhabitant, affectionately known by his peers as ‘Manbaby’, is often found dwelling in the hall’s computer lab, wackin’ away aggressively until someone comes in to finish their Stats homework. At this point Manbaby whips his tackle away, hides his web browser, and acts like nothing has been going on. Unfortunately for this adrenaline junkie, disturbed onlookers have witnessed his YouPorn fuelled antics through an adjacent window multiple times, and he is now considered a frightening sexual deviant as well as being ugly. Not a combination that bodes well for his future love life really.
Meanwhile OUSA’s very own President Logan Edgar, rumoured to have been a chronic masturbator in his youth, had a frightening sexual encounter of his own, after being dragged back to the dark lair of sexual hijinks that is Arana College. The future first lady involved, who Edgar described as ‘spermy as’, decided she was pretty chuffed with her catch and didn’t want him to get away. Her solution was a pair of pink, fluffy handcuffs. After giving her the presidential treatment (both minutes were reportedly ‘awesome’), Edgar found himself unable to remove the handcuffs due to the bulging wrist muscles on his left arm (the President is left-handed if that helps clear things up). Desperate to return to his office so he could get back to flirting with Act on Campus, Edgar ran across the hallway to the neighbours, who had to use a pair of pliers to remove the cuffs.
Edgar plans to call the child Houdini.
