News

A pleasant and arousing facet of the first year hall scene is the well-established rivalry between certain colleges. Everyone with a cerebellum still intact is aware of the notable ongoing hatred between the stuck-up Selwynites and the possibly deviant Knoxians. Then there are the less established rivalries: Arana vs. Studholme, Cumberland vs. Hayward, UniCol girls vs. dignity.

Residents of Knox and Selwyn, both groups well known for their overly-developed self-importance, have a long history of trivial battles, including the daring petty theft of inanimate objects such as baths and gnomes.
 
An annual tournament between Selwyn and Knox also determines the winner of the overall sports trophy, but apparently it’s irrelevant what happens as long as you take out the annual rugby match. This year Selwyn won, but Knox College were the real winners on the day, after producing Critic’s favourite sex scandal of the year. According to our sources, one too many Cindys led to a male and female re-enacting the explicit version of the scene from The Smurfs Movie where Smurfett shows Clumsy Smurf how Papa Smurf made him. The best bit of the story is this all took place in the depths of the Hewitson Theological Library. Jesus.
 
The rivalry between Arana and Studholme has a rather less illustrious history, however many may argue it is just as relevant in the day and age. Despite the scientifically proven fact that Arana girls are substantially better looking than their Studholmian counterparts, the fact of the matter is that no one likes any of the little twats from Arana, so Studholme is undoubtedly the people’s favourite. I’m not sure what the point of this paragraph is. One too many SoGos probably.
 
Despite a lack of organised competitive events between these Studholme and Arana, students make their own fun at the annual A and S party, where members of each hall try to out do each other by getting into as many members of the other hall as possible. The end result of this misjudged slop-up is an array of alcohol-soaked costumes and an army of tarts dressed in lycra crying their eyes out on the Union Lawn.
 
In other news, Critic would like to warn readers that putting five slices of bread in a microwave for 17 minutes when you are pissed out of your tree on four bottles of Passion Pop is a bad idea. We can assume that the girl who set off four smoke alarms with this faux pas got into Arana based her on good looks, rather than her academic record. Or maybe she was head girl of Oamaru High School?
 
If you are a first year and would like the world to know about something dumb as fuck you or your friends have done, e-mail us at critic@critic.co.nz.