UMAT. Four letters that strike fear deep into the bosom of the deluded freshers that still actually think they’ll be getting into Med School on the back of that B+ average from first semester. Forget the clap, the can-man or crowbar-wielding, fat South Dunedin swamp-donkeys on P. The most frightening thing on the block last week was a three-hour test of your problem-solving abilities and empathy skills. This test can literally be the deciding factor between a life of fast cars, beautiful nurses and free morphine, or a lifetime spent as the physio for the second string Otago Men’s Lawn Bowls team.
A group of Studholme lads that would most certainly have failed miserably in UMAT will now be testing their problem solving skills in a different arena, the hazardous process of trying to defraud money out of AMI for ‘accidental’ damage to their car. The necessity of the insurance application stems from an incident when the brainless drongos decided to drive up Mount Cargill for some epic shredding opportunities. Unfortunately they didn’t pull off the best parking job upon reaching the top, well and truly upturning their car into a pile of snow off the side of the road. Critic anticipates a different tune will be sung to the insurance assessor, however, even though getting money out of AMI at the moment is probably more difficult than getting a tuggy at the Student Life open day.
In tamer news, a snowfight at Arana got a little out of hand, leaving a window shattered as completely as the Med School hopes of a first year from Gore. A pioneering Cumberland entrepreneur broke the first rule of childhood, quaffing a quart of yellow snow to make the few dollars necessary to keep him in SoGos. Details as to whether the yellow homemade frosty-boy was his own brand or his roommates were unforthcoming, but Critic was informed he profited to the tune of $5. Critic encourages the future Allan Hubbard to invest his profits in an STI check at Student Health. He is at Cumby after all.
Meanwhile two Arana girls took a unique approach to preparing for UMAT. In an attempt to broaden their minds the pair splashed out and bought some Kronic. The girls toked up on Dundas St and were appeared to eyewitnesses to be urinating in their pants while tightly holding onto each other. Critic was unable to contact the two, but speculates that their forthcoming online video ‘Two girls, one firetruck’ will be an internet sensation.
If you are a stupid fresher or know of a stupid fresher who would like their story to be told, e-mail it through to critic@critic.co.nz. No names, we promise.
Bouncing off the Halls - 18
