A radical element within Critic Te Arohi, the feted University of Otago student magazine, has established a new company with the intention of buying out the popular student watering hole The Captain Cook Tavern.

The new Critic subsidiary, Critical Capital Holdings, is the brainchild of maverick news reporter Lozz Holding, who dreamt up the ambitious plan to buy out the Cook whilst drunk. Holding rose to fame earlier this year after subsisting on a diet of KFC Double Down combos for a week, a feat documented in Critic Issue 12.

Holding has named himself CEO, CFO and COPTO (Chief on the Piss Officer) of the new investment vehicle, and outlined his aggressive capital raising plan to Critic.
“Effectively it is exactly the same plan as those deluded idiots who thought that they could buy Gardies by getting 2000 students to give them their Course Related Costs money. Except this bid is being led by me, and we are buying the Cook, so our prospects for success are probably very marginally better than absolutely zero.”

Holding told Critic that the new firm planned to pay back investors at the rate of “about a jug a week” and stated that he believed he had “four or five investors already lined up” which meant that “really half the work is already done”.

Critic’s senior management refused to comment positively on the plan, claiming that this “debacle” was “another example of the news team doing dumb shit to fill up space because you rarely do any actual reporting”.
Posted 4:56am Monday 25th July 2011 by Gregor Whyte.