Knox Spree of Lightbulb Thievery

Knox Spree of Lightbulb Thievery

Cult energy still going strong

In Issue 11, Critic Te Ārohi received a heated letter to the editor from Knox students who were “pissed the fuck off” after a wave of lightbulb thieving had swept through the college. “If we keep running out of lightbulbs in our double a’s, who will host pres?” Too right. Critic sniffed a story.

Critic spoke to Knox resident Emma*, who reckoned that the twitchy fingers of light bulb kleptomania had spread through the castle to the point where there was no singular culprit. It’s actually just everyone! While the thievery was largely isolated between students, there were some rumours floating of a sub warden becoming involved in the incident after their light bulb was stolen by a student. Allegedly, this incident led to the hall getting involved, with Emma telling Critic, “The headmistress is putting her foot down now.” 

Like the rubbish bin merry-go-round of flatting in North D, Emma stated, “It kind of goes around, you steal one, you steal somebody’s else’s […] I doubt I have my actual light bulbs.” This answer, in tandem with Emma’s sheepish grin, suggests the spate of robberies are a needs-must response to other robberies, as students pry desperately for some vestige of light. 

Ethan, though, had a different answer. He suggested, “It’s an occasional thing. I don’t think it happens that often.” Despite finding it “funny,” Ethan stressed the turmoil the event had caused in the hall, telling Critic, “They grabbed one out of a subbie’s room. The boys got in quite a lot of shit for it.” Knox College did not reply to our queries in time for print.

Salmond students thought it was a bit of a laugh. Laura told Critic, “It’s kinda funky not gonna lie.” Quizzed whether she thought the bulb-kleptomaniacs of Knox students would wander down the hill once they’d run out of bulbs to pinch in the castle, she said, “Possibly.” Laura added, though, that “there is a bit of friendliness this year in the Knox-Salmond relationship.” Salmonder Ollie, on the other hand, said, “I’m not surprised that it was at Knox.” He argued that “100% we don’t like to associate with them […] It’s probably the same back.”

Ollie summed up the issue when he simply commented: “That’s pretty crack up.”

*Name changed.

This article first appeared in Issue 12, 2024.
Posted 3:07pm Sunday 19th May 2024 by Hugh Askerud.