Pint Night Pox Strikes!

Pint Night Pox Strikes!

Patient zero speaks out, has very little remorse

Chickenpox’s ‘patient zero’ has come forth after students received an email on Thursday March 14 alerting them to an outbreak of chickenpox (or varicella-zoster) within the student community. The email warned that the virus is “highly infectious” and the “risk of spread is high,” telling students with symptoms to seek medical support and isolate themselves immediately. Critic Te Ārohi spoke with the  student who sheepishly believes they may be at the root of the problem. 

Patient zero reports enjoying a glass of rosé in WOOF! on a Saturday two weeks prior to the email, when they noticed an intense pain under their arm. They told Critic that it was “like a punch in the boob at the same time as a bee sting,” and was followed by the sudden appearance of a blistering rash. 

A nurse at Student Health quickly identified it as a classic case of shingles (or herpes zoster) — the reactivation of the chickenpox virus that can rear its nasty head much later in life. You can’t get shingles if you haven’t had chickenpox, but the fluid from shingles blisters can spread chickenpox to those who’ve never had the virus before. When patient zero was given this information, they recall deciding, “If I cover them up, then it's all g.” Afterward, they made the crucial decision to head along to Pint Night that Wednesday. 

They admitted that after a number of pints (the exact amount was unconfirmed), the heat of U-Bar overcame them, and they removed their jacket. Patient zero estimates there was around 20 minutes of potential blister-to-skin contact with strangers in what they described as “a mess of sweaty bodies” in the drinks line. They later added, “Me having an itch and then sharing a vape outside might have also had something to do with it too.” It was only when they received the welfare notice the following week, that they realised that they’d potentially spread the virus. 

Patient zero has since finished their course of antivirals and fully recovered. When asked if they felt any remorse, they answered, “Honestly, if you haven’t had chickenpox before university, grow the fuck up [...] Did you not stick Lego in your mouth or eat sand out of the sandbox as a kid like everybody else?” They followed these comments with a considered request for better air conditioning at U-Bar.

Critic Te Ārohi doesn’t condone this behaviour and would like to reiterate the University’s welfare notice. If you are unwell, see a medical professional and perhaps avoid Pint Night for the next wee while.

Student Health: 0800 479 821
Healthline: 0800 611 11

This article first appeared in Issue 5, 2024.
Posted 3:58pm Saturday 23rd March 2024 by Jodie Evans.