SILENCED! Castle Boys Speak Out

SILENCED! Castle Boys Speak Out

Hectic flat tamed to the sorrow of Leith St residents

Love it or hate it (most likely the latter) the sound of 40cc motorcycles on Leith Street has become a fundamental aspect of second-year culture.

For this, residents can thank The Castle, a flat which provides a seemingly inexhaustible source of entertainment for Leith St residents who happen to walk by. Yet, in recent weeks the sound of The Castle’s characteristic engines has been ominously non-existent. This absence may have you wondering: what happened?

In an exclusive tell-all interview with Critic Te Ārohi, one member of The Castle told us that they “got in trouble for skidding before we got rid of the red car.” A symbol of The Castle of yesteryear, the resident is referring to the shitty red car which boldly plastered a Mercedes logo on the bonnet. Despite hearing The Castle’s insider testimony, no clues were provided as to the specifics of the “trouble” which the boys encountered. One other Leith breatha who wished to remain anonymous suggested, “They may have stopped because I’m pretty sure the Proctor had a word with them.” Silenced, it seems, by a force even more powerful than the might of all nine residents!

Though the battle may have been lost, the boys at The Castle made it apparent that they were not going to give up on the war. One Castle resident asserted, “Leith Street is like our big playground which we just make the most of.” When queried as to what acts were performed in the playground, one resident said that they focused on “getting deep into wheelies while sinking piss.” Undoubtedly a noble art. The boys also cited spa nights, time trials, and “getting free shit then flipping it on Facebook marketplace,” as quintessential sources of fun.

But what do their fellow Leith residents think of the boys? One smirking Castle resident mused that “it’s a bit of a love-hate relationship.” When Critic Te Ārohi engaged in a survey to assess what the average Leith St resident thought of the burly blokes, the unanimous response was akin to, “The Castle Boys are so fucking funny.”

Outside of vroom-vroom antics, the Castle Boys have also become renowned in the Leith community for giving away a spa pool to the girls at Big Cheese “because the lid broke.” It’s for you to decide if this was their true motive, or whether they were instead trying to seduce some of the inhabitants gentoo penguin style. You know, the ones that flirt by gifting pebbles. But the act does suggest that the Castle Boys can consider a cause outside themselves (kinda).

Recently, though, The Castle’s acts of communality and goodwill have been threatened by a series of attacks orchestrated by external sources. The boys lost power for four days though they had paid for their electricity. “We think it might’ve been the Proctor trying to get us out,” one resident mused. Whatever the reason, repeated “attacks” from sources unknown have seen the Castle Boys “go into hibernation mode.”

Hated and loved. Conquered and conquering. The plight of The Castle’s residents is one which provides constant amusement to easily entertained Leith Street residents. Though they remain briefly silent (or silenced), it is almost certain that the Castle Boys will speak up once more in efforts to achieve their goals of “doing cooked shit.” 

This article first appeared in Issue 13, 2023.
Posted 5:01pm Monday 29th May 2023 by Hugh Askerud.