This goes out to all you freshers who have decided to take it upon yourselves to enrol in first year Law. You’re anxious. You aren’t entirely sure why you’re here or what your future holds. Did you decide to take Law because you and your inflated ego think you’re better than everyone else? Did you decide to take it because you just straight up hate yourself? Or are you trying to please Mummy and Daddy? Whichever applies to you (most likely the second option) here is your one stop shop on how to survive this year. I present to you all the tips and tricks to achieve the seemingly impossible - making it into second year Law.
I can confirm from my own personal experience and analysis that these tricks and tips are incredibly effective, despite what the lecturers and my letter of rejection say. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I finished with a 70 overall in the paper. That’s pretty impressive if you ask me, but not if you’re asking Andrew Geddis.
I know how it feels, I was you once. Hiking my way up to the 8th floor of the Richardson Building to purchase the LAWS101 course materials, palms sweating and hands shaking as I stared into the eyes of the fourth years that sold them to me. Walking into the jam-packed Castle 1 lecture theatre every afternoon to stake out the competition. The Cumby breathas to the back, the bitchy Arana kids to the right, culty Knox kids to the left and all the ‘mature’ students up the front. There is also that one old lady who has taken the paper God knows how many times, is she still around?
This is your home for the next year. These are your competitors. There’s 500 of you, but only 200 make it in. You are preparing for a year of blood, sweat, tears, crippled egos, debilitating anxiety and sexual arousal from certain lecturers and their thick, juicy accents. While this may all seem overwhelming, don't throw yourself out that 8th floor window. Use this advice and shove it into all those smug fucks’ faces.
Within the first few weeks, you will gather several books which are your course materials for the year. They comprise of a multitude of subjects being Legal History, Legislation, Case Analysis and some bullshit called ‘Law and the Community’, whatever that is. Yes, you have to pay for them. Yes, this is a stitch up. Yes, this is quite possibly a way for SOULS to make more money to sponsor their cult-like activities.
There will be a set of lectures assigned to each chapter in these books which, allegedly, you must read and keep on top of in order to make it into second year. Instead I recommend you do not follow this step. Simply abandon your course materials somewhere in your room. Shove them in the bottom of your wardrobe or leave them to collect dust on your bedside table. Or, my personal favourite, just leave them sitting on your desk. This way it looks as though you read them, which will scare other competitors in your hall. Work smarter, not harder.
However, in the case there is a point in time when you actually have to suck it up and read them, I recommend about two weeks before the exam. Can you learn the Magna Carta in this time? Analyse all the contrasting sections of the Treaty of Waitangi? Memorise Donoghue v Stevenson and the tort of negligence? Of course you can. Why take a whole year of logical, well-reasoned study when you can simply cram it all in towards the end. Remember, diamonds are made under pressure.
- Lecture Attendance
Once you stop reading your course materials, you should also stop attending lectures. By doing this you avoid the possibility of getting called on in class. Trust me, getting called out in front of 500 people and not knowing the answer is a terrifying experience. Also, who wants to sit in a crammed, hot, sticky lecture theatre? Absolutely no one.
Let’s also not forget that lectures are recorded. This means that you can stream them in the comfort of your bedroom at twice the speed whenever you choose. Again, I recommend binge watching lectures around 2 to 3 weeks prior to the exam. You’ve been binge watching Netflix all year, so now is the time to do it with your lectures.
- Date a Tutor
This is a secret withheld for only the most elite of students, but I’m here to expose it for you all. The easiest, most effective way to get into second year law is to date a tutor. Or just hook up with them if you aren’t into the whole emotional connection thing. This may seem impossible, risky and frightening, but trust me, it’s easier than you think. Just make sure no one in the department finds out or else you could get caught for ‘emotional interference’ or some shit like that.
Although you may be wondering, where exactly does one find a law tutor to date? Do I have to make a move during class? Or slave away into the late hours of the night atop the Richardson building? Surprisingly no, as law tutors do in fact (on the odd occasion) have lives.
On a Saturday night go to the bars in town which seem pretentious, ostentatious, fancy and way out of your StudyLink budget. Think Pequeno or Carousel. Order a classy beverage – the buzz will accelerate your superiority complex. Law tutors can sense this, and within moments they will begin to flock. They all hold similar characteristics which you should look out for. Are they from Auckland? Do they have some weird, old fashioned sounding names like Martha or Bernard? Are they incredibly overdressed? Do you sense deep rooted self-esteem issues? Did they go to private school? If the answer is ‘yes’ to any of these questions, chances are they’re a law tutor.
Just remember that when the time comes time to do the deed, the New Zealand Bill of Rights Act 1990 should be central to your dirty talk. If you really want to spice things up – you kinky bitch - you can bring the Resource Management Act 1991 into it as well.
You may now enjoy your romantic endeavours for the next few months, gaining all the advice and insight you need for upcoming tests and exams. Once November hits and the exam is over, it is time to let your redundant law tutor lover go. Alternatively, you could continue the relationship, fall deeply in love, suffer through law school together, and become a legal power couple.
- Commit Arson
This may seem like a far-fetched and unreasonable step, but anyone as serious about getting into second year law as I was should take heed.
For years there have been many rumours and urban myths circulating, claiming that, should the University burn down, you immediately graduate with a Bachelor’s degree. After tirelessly conducting an in-depth research into to Wikipedia, I can reveal that this is in fact true. It is also referred to as ‘pass by catastrophe’. So simply go ahead and light her up. It is my recommendation that you start with wherever in the Richardson Building your exam results and all of the applications into second year are stored.
If you’re too much of a pussy to do this, there are plenty of other options which come under ‘pass through catastrophe’. This includes ‘death in an exam’. Should someone unfortunately, tragically, and definitely not on purpose die in an exam, you automatically pass. Or – in a not-results related but still beneficial route - if you get hit by a campus vehicle, your tuition gets paid for. Don’t worry about being caught for any of this, by the way - should you get caught for committing these potentially heinous crimes, you will have a wealth of legal knowledge from the few brief months you studied LAWS101 to help get you out of a pesky wee court case. You can also ask your law tutor lover for advice as well. You’re welcome.
- Be Critic Sub-Editor Jamie Mactaggart
Once you have completed all these methods, you’ve made it. Congratulations. Welcome to second year law. A letter of acceptance should be arriving in your inbox at any moment now. You can now get excited for the next four years of studying, crying and bathing in self-hatred. After this, you will graduate and move on to work 80 hours a week earning a mere 45k as you suck a law associate’s dick. Have fun, and remember, Parliament is always supreme.