69 Things You Absolutely Should Not Do At University

69 Things You Absolutely Should Not Do At University

  1. Don’t do a ‘survey’ for a Christian group; they’re not researching anything, they just want to convert you. And there won’t be any sex.
  2. Don’t go to a ‘Landers game in any section but the Zoo: old people are terrible company. Unless they smell like pot.
  3. Don’t get drunk and post on your hall’s Facebook group. It’s not funny, it’s just annoying.
  4. Don’t talk about how much of a success you were in high school. Nobody cares that you were a prefect at St Pats.
  5. Don’t join the Young Nats. Or Young Labour. And definitely don’t join Act. They’re terrible and annoying and everyone will hate you.
  6. Don’t buy textbooks. Full stop. Especially for first year commerce, they’re a bad investment. If you really need it they’re in the library anyway.
  7. Don’t wear your leavers’ hoodie everwhere. Your self-appointed nickname is embarassing.
  8. Don’t try to force a nickname. No one cares if your high school mates used to call you ‘Horsecock’; it’s not gonna stick.
  9. Don’t sign up for a flat in the first semester of your first year: there’s fucking heaps of empty flats, so you don’t need to rush. Work out who your actual friends are later in the year.
  10. Don’t cheat on your high school sweetheart. Just break up with them.
  11. Don’t constantly talk about drugs. Smoking a lot of weed is not a personality trait.
  12. Don’t brag too much to your mates who’re at Vic about how sweet Otago Uni is. It’s just gonna make them sad.
  13. Don’t constantly tell stories about your mates from home. No one knows who they are.
  14. Don’t try to scab drinks off people at the bar. Just get drunk enough at pre-drinks.
  15. Don’t take your grades too seriously. Most employers don’t check them.
  16. Don’t study tourism.
  17. Don’t mess with the Spotify set up at the party: it’s called a queue; learn how to use it.
  18. Don’t do the weekly shop at Centre City New World. It’s worth the trip out to PAK’nSAVE.
  19. Don’t make a GiveALittle page for your holiday to South America. Just because you’re planning on volunteering for three days doesn’t mean you’re a charity.
  20. Don’t hit on everyone at the party. It’s obvious, and you look like a seed (because you are).
  21. Don’t believe there’s any such thing as ‘bitch drinks’. Cruisers are for everyone.
  22. Don’t call people out for drinking ‘bitch drinks’, especially if you’re drinking Bourbon and Coke.
  23. Don’t be afraid of drinking goon. It’s exactly the same as the shit they put in bottles, just cheaper.
  24. Don’t screw the crew.
  25. Don’t act superior to other people because you got into a professional course.
  26. Don’t forget to look for past exam papers. It makes studying WAY easier.
  27. Don’t write your own notes until you’ve checked Quizlet to see if someone already did it for you. (Especially for LAWS101).
  28. Don’t go to exams drunk. Or do, it’s kinda fun actually.
  29. Don’t funnel spirits without first setting up a comfy spot to pass out (make sure someone’s not burning it).
  30. Don’t forget to lock your masturbatorium. But also, don’t be afraid to share.
  31. Don’t forget to use incognito mode if your laptop is the lounge movie streamer.
  32. Don’t swear off tequila simply because you had one awful night: it wasn’t tequila’s fault, it was yours.
  33. Don’t be silly; wrap your willy.
  34. Don’t be a fool; wrap your tool.
  35. Don’t neglect your cervical screenings. In fact, don’t neglect cervixes in general.
  36. Don’t forget to get yourself tested ocassionally; all it takes is pissing into a cup.
  37. Don’t use the same pair of scissors for your pubes, your Mi Goreng and your weed.
  38. Don’t constantly tell everyone you meet about your amazing gap year. Your hemp pants and Bintang singlet don’t make you look worldly.
  39. Don’t put up with nightclub gropers. A well directed jab to the ribs should sort them out.
  40. Don’t grope people in nightclubs. What the fuck is wrong with you?
  41. Don’t buy anything other than food from the Hare Krishna people. The book sucks, don’t let them bully you into buying it.
  42. Don’t feel you have to get drunk. Drugs are also an option.
  43. Don’t talk your S.O. into an open relationship just so you can sleep with other people, MICHAEL.
  44. Don’t be unfriendly at the Friendly Khmer Satay Noodle House.
  45. Don’t take Keanu Reeves’ name in vain.
  46. Don’t think you have to stick with the first major you study. Variety is the spice of life: try a few different things until one sticks. And speaking of spice:
  47. Don’t just put a single clove of garlic in your cooking; stop being a coward and put a whole head in, it WILL make your food taste better. I don’t CARE what your breath smells like.
  48. Don’t use words like ‘faggot’ around people you don’t know; maybe you’re using it ironically, but you still look like an asshole.
  49. Don’t smoke indoors, you filthy rat.
  50. Don’t use olive oil to fry food. It has a relatively low smoke point and it will set your smoke alarm off. Use canola or bran oil instead, they’re cheaper anyway.
  51. Don’t dismiss UniMart; it’s right across the road from Centre City New World and you can get chocolate soy milk there for $1.50 a bottle.
  52. Don’t just make shitty spag bol every week for your cooking night. Have a little ingenuity.
  53. Don’t be embarrassed to take the free tampons and/or pads on campus. If you don’t need them, give them to a pal who does. That shit is expensive.
  54. Don’t expect oral sex if you’re not gonna reciprocate.
  55. Don’t check the state of your student loan. Ever. You don’t want to know.
  56. Don’t adopt a fucking cat. You can’t even feed yourself on time.
  57. Don’t smash bottles on the street, arsehole.
  58. Don’t suffer in silence if you’re feeling down. Do yourself a favour and see the good people at Student Health counselling service or OUSA Student Support, they’re here to help.
  59. Don’t take acid before going to classes. It’s scary.
  60. Don’t rail drugs through one nostril only – we all have a favourite snorter but keep it even for health reasons.
  61. Don’t put your washing powder on top of the lid bit, it goes inside the lid bit.
  62. Don’t drink Billy Mavericks, it will turn you into a bogan.
  63. Don’t let your room build up a stank. Wash your duvet and open a window.
  64. Don’t wear jeans to UniPol.
  65. Don’t forget to clean under the foreskin. Get a friend to help you.
  66. Don’t buy beer, wine or cider at the liquor store, it’s always cheaper at the supermarket, obviously.
  67. Don’t sneak your alcohol into your hall in a big bag, that’s obvious. Use a small bag, they never suspect that.
  68. Don’t put empty bottles on your shelves. No one‘s impressed, we are all alcoholics. You look like a 22-year-old Milton bogan when you do that.
  69. Lol, 69.
This article first appeared in Issue 0, 2019.
Posted 6:13pm Saturday 3rd March 2018 by Critic.