Why I quit sex

Why I quit sex

Content Warning: Sexual assault, discussion of suicide, underage sex.

Everyone loves a good sex story. I seem to have a lot of them. Ever since I lost my virginity at 17, I’ve had a complicated relationship with sex. The complication is that I have a shitload of sex. A different guy every night kinda sex. A threesome with a stripper kind of sex. four people in one night kinda sex. I know, gross. But hey, it’s just fun, right?

I was never really good at sports. I had the right build, height and potential to be an excellent runner or swimmer, but I lacked the commitment. Then one fateful lunchtime at high school I decided to go all the way with a guy I had been seeing for about a month or so. We left school, broke into his mate’s house, did the deed and were back just in time for fifth period. I ended up on top for the majority of the time and I remember thinking, “Now this is a sport I like. This is what I was born for.” So I saw him again and again.

If this were a movie, then this would be the part where we fall in love. We didn’t. In fact, it went the opposite. He shared a nude that I didn’t even know he had and I ended up being airlifted to hospital after trying to kill myself. I was always one of the popular girls, so the nude thing was a scandal. My reputation took a nose-dive and I lost my friends and the respect of my peers within a month. Many people would have sworn off sex after an incident like that. Not me. No matter what I did I was perceived as a slut. I had nothing left to lose, so I wore the label ‘whore’ like a badge of honor and I showed them what a real slut was.

My number grew from 1 to 14 within five months. The worse I got mentally the better I got sexually. When I was admitted to a psychiatric ward I fucked one of the patients. Then when I was released, I fucked four people in one night. My reputation grew and I was dehumanised by my peers at school. This eventually led to me being raped by a friend in my final year. Instead of dealing with it, I used sex as a barrier, a Band-Aid. I wanted to put as many people between me and that night as possible. I started uni and the number grew to 30, then 50, then I stopped counting all together. I fucked in beds, on park benches, in a port-a-loo, and even in a graveyard, holding onto some poor lady’s headstone during doggy. Definitely not proud of that one. I loved to experiment. I loved guys of all ethnicities, builds and professions. I worshipped the male body. I just couldn’t keep my hands off them.

One of my scariest encounters was when I went home with this beautiful man. He was older, respectful and had this bad boy vibe that every girl loves. When asked why he was in Dunedin he simply responded with “business”. We did the deed with the lights off at his friend’s place. He was rougher than I was used to, but I still enjoyed it. When we had finished he turned the light on and my stomach dropped. Tattooed across his chest were the words “Fucking Mongrel Mob”. On his back was “Black Power”, the mob patch and several scars. Oh. Shit. I covered up my nervousness with a saucy smile and complimented his tattoos. I asked him where he got them and he said “Jail”. Lovely. We exchanged pillow talk while I tried to think up a way to get out of the situation. He offered me crack. I said no thank you. We chatted more about his ‘job’ while I got dressed. The further we got into the conversation the more afraid I got. He lived in Auckland and came down to run the initiations. Yup. A scarfie girl had just unknowingly banged a Black Power Leader. We made our way into the lounge which was empty when we arrived, but was now full of about ten members. The majority were wearing their jackets and a few even had gang tattoos on their face. I swear to god I couldn’t make this shit up. They were standing around a table that had the biggest pile of drugs I had ever seen. The door was a few short metres away but it felt like miles. Luckily their attention was focused on smoking their pile of goodies. I gave the guy a kiss goodbye and then walked calmly down the steps. As soon as I rounded the corner I fucking ran. And ran. And ran. Surely that would have put me off sex? Nope.

Even when my mood improved, the need for sex remained. I tried everything in the bedroom. Bondage, costumes, toys, even foot stuff this one time. To say I didn’t get myself into difficult situations because of my behaviour would have been a lie. I broke up relationships, friendships, even brothers. I knew I needed to stop, but I just couldn’t. Casual sex was all I’d ever known. I had tried relationships in the earlier days, but I was always the one dumped or hurt or used. I eventually gave up on the idea all together. I didn’t trust guys enough to want a relationship with them and I was terrified of commitment. I never spooned, never cuddled, never stayed over. I had never had a proper relationship. What started out as fun became a big fucking problem. Casual sex was my source of confidence and validation. I hated myself. I hated my body. I only ever felt beautiful when I was in the bedroom.

For the past three years I only thought about how my behaviour affected me. I never once thought about it affecting those I had slept with. That was, until I received a text from an old fuck buddie I stopped talking too months before. He was hurt. He wanted to know what he had done, if I was seeing someone else. I apologised to him and right then and there I decided to quit sex. I reflected on everything I had ever done and I realised that I had become the hurter, not the hurt. Now I was the one using people. I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I’ve had guys call me 20 times in a night, show up at my house declaring their love. One even broke into my house and climbed into my bed at 4am. It had never bothered me before. Until him. I think it’s because he reminded me of the person I used to be. 

The first few weeks were difficult. It’s a good thing I invested in a vibrator. My confidence plummeted. I became insecure. But then this amazing thing happened. I began to get crushes. Feelings. I actually had proper conversations. Men can be pretty interesting creatures; I had forgotten that. It felt like seeing a dick for the first time. It was new territory, exciting and scary at the same time. I began to wonder if I was the only one who struggles with sex. Luckily it wasn’t too hard to find people. It was asking them to do the interview that was awkward. “Hey, you’re a bit of a slut, can I ask you questions about it?” This is what S, E and X had to say:


When did you lose your virginity?

Sarah: 16.

Ethan: I was 9. Yeah, I know, 9. Under a table at a wedding with a 12-year-old.

Xandra: 15.


How many people have you slept with?

Sarah: I don’t know, just under 50?

Ethan: About 40.

Xandra: I have no idea.


Where is the weirdest/worst place you’ve had sex?

Sarah: Outside a church.

Ethan: One time at a party I rooted my Mrs while a mate watched in same bed. We thought he was asleep, but when my other mate called him he moved straight away. Another time I had sex at school and this weird dude followed us and told us to go home.

Xandra: OUSA sauna or middle of cricket pitch at two in the afternoon.


What’s the strangest/funniest sex act you’ve done?

Sarah: I had my asshole licked out. And once I had a crystal put up my butt.

Ethan: Getting tied up. Wasn’t used to not having some kind of control. It was weird but fuck it was mean.

Xandra: I once had starburst eaten out of my vagina. He was my boss. Another time I gave a foot job.


What’s your best sex story?

Sarah: I once brought my ex home and a guy whose virginity I took the day before showed up. He went and cried on the couch till I got him to leave. Then my other ex showed up an hour later to “stay over”. It was a pretty awkward night.

Ethan: The best time for me was looking after my sister’s house for two weeks. GF and I were in the make-up sex period after break up so had sex in every room.

Xandra: When I lost my virginity the guy made it romantic and had candles all round bed. I asked him to go hard cause that is what I saw in movies. It fucking hurt and he knocked one of the candles and set the blanket on fire.


What is so appealing about casual sex and how often do you have it?

Sarah: It feels fucking good. I feel empowered as a woman and it makes me feel wanted. I usually have it three times a week. I can’t really last longer than a week without it. I’m addicted. Hands down I’m addicted.

Ethan: Making a chick cum. Winning. Fuck yeah, I did that. Why would you not have sex? I have it a couple times a week and can usually last three weeks without.  If I’m with a virgin, I wait until she’s keen. I’ve fucked eight or nine virgins. I could stop if I hurt my dick, or had an STI scare.

Xandra: The thrill. The chase. It’s the one thing in my life I cannot care about. I don’t have pressure to do everything right, I can just DO and it’s ok. I have sex about three-four times a week and I honestly don’t think I can last longer than three days at this point. I should not be having sex with some people.


Have you ever hurt someone emotionally from casual sex?

Sarah: Yes. Sometimes I run away from guys when they’ve fallen asleep.

Ethan: Yeah like three or four girls. One of those girls I hurt like six times.

Xandra: Yes. I’ve hurt everyone I’ve had sex with. Literally everyone. I usually just cut contact with them. I once used another guy as a way out because I didn’t feel like the guy I had feelings for was ready for me. When I first moved to Dunedin I had no money so I downloaded Tinder and casually slipped in to the guy that we should get dinner. I was well fed and usually ran off afterwards.


Do you think you have a problem/issues with sex?

Sarah: Sometimes when I’m on a bad streak and I fuck all these bad guys in a row, I think what the fuck am I doing. Sometimes I feel disgusted with them. Why did I do that, I’m not even attracted to them and we don’t have anything in common? People say I’m a nympho. I just want to have sex all the time and some of the guys just can’t keep up. I wish I could be more independent and not crave people all the time. Crave a warm body.

Ethan: No, I always seem pretty good. I suppose lack of sex in my relationships can be negative. A few times I’ve cheated and felt guilty. In my head the relationship is done but not for the other person. I still do it but I feel bad. Dumb shit happens. My mum left when I was four or five so I never had lot of connection with women. I craved it. So try to be the centre of attention with women. It’s great to get the attention I was lacking beforehand.

Xandra: Yes, I use it to make people fall in love with me. Which is a bit fucked up. I just had a fuck it moment, probably due to bullying actually. Situations got out of hand, so I thought well I can control at least one situation. I’ve started crying in the middle of sex before. I literally felt like a piece of meat and it’s not the first time guys have made me feel that way. Some guys literally hear cries of pain and go harder. I let that happen and that says a lot about my mental state at that time. I felt like I deserved it. But I am starting to repair it with the support of someone who knows me better than I know myself. Sex is now a tool I use to express how I feel towards him.


What’s the craziest thing someone you’ve had sex with has done to you?

Sarah: Sent me pictures of a naked girl to tell me who they’re banging.

Ethan: Not themselves, but one of my ex’s mums was trying to accuse me of rape ‘cause my GF and I had sex when we were drunk. GF was cool with it but her mum went crazy. She tried to run me over.

Xandra: My ex fuck buddy knew my mum was away and broke into my house at 3am. He ran the bath for me, then put out rose petals and tried to light candles outside my room. I woke up to this tall, dark silhouette surrounded by flames and I freaked the fuck out and threw my pillow at him and screamed and my dog started barking. I tried to get my phone to call police and he was like STOP and I realised it was him. I kicked him out.

Do you think too much casual sex can be harmful?

Sarah: Yes def. When you go through a spell where no one wants you then you feel shit about yourself. Plus, if you’ve never been in love then you wouldn’t know how to deal with it when you finally did fall in love. If you’re using sex as a form of escapism, then that’s not healthy.

Ethan: Fuck yeah. I reckon after having so much sex it’s really hard to get into a relationship especially if they have different sex drive. And if you find it hard to deal with your emotions, by having casual sex with someone who thinks more of sex, you have to deal with that on top of everything else.

Xandra: Yes, sex addiction is definitely a thing. I reckon it’s on par with cocaine. Could ruin your life, you will sacrifice other things for it. But you can’t help it. It’s honestly like a drug. I think a lot of mental health issues can stem from lots of casual sex actually. Or used by people with mental health issues as a coping mechanism. They go hand and hand.


It's 2017 and casual sex is a norm here at Otago. It's fun, it's easy and it feels fucking awesome. But I found a lot of students like myself who have grown far too comfortable with one night stands. Because anything more becomes too scary and too difficult. Eventually It stops being fun, it becomes hard, and it can make you feel like shit. But for some, you just can't stop. If you are like me, and casual sex is all you've ever known, it's hard to change. If you've used sex as a buffer for years, you feel pretty damn lost without it. When it becomes a problem or an addiction, you got to know when to stop. 

So I did.

But then I fucked three guys last week.

Like I said.

It’s hard to change.

This article first appeared in Issue 22, 2017.
Posted 11:38am Sunday 10th September 2017 by A Scarfie.