Features

It’s been a year of drama, a year which saw the rise of the goon and the fall of news coverage not related to rugby. Amongst it all, there have been characters who have stood out a foot (or flipper, as the case may be) ahead of the rest.

NEW ZEALANDER OF THE YEAR
Happy Feet
Occupation: Sealord taste tester
Quote: “ eep ”
Reason for Media Attention: total babe
Personal Philosophy: “Fuck fish, acquire sand”
No one featured more prominently in the media this year than Happy Feet. Not Sonny Bill, not John Key, not Zara Phillips. It says a lot about a country when the news is dominated by a half-dead non-human being whose only talent is an ability to look cute in photos.
Perhaps it’s strange that the New Zealander of the Year is neither a human, nor really a Kiwi. But Happy Feet is no ordinary feathered friend. For a time, it was impossible to visit stuff.co.nz without being inundated with information about Happy Feet’s whereabouts, his eating habits, his future holiday in Antarctica. He milked the good life for as long as he could, living off fresh salmon and , costing around $40,000, almost 3 times the annual cost of raising a child in New Zealand). 120,000 people followed him on his webcam. And most importantly, Happy Feet was dear to the hearts of most New Zealanders.
Sadly evidence indicates that Happy Feet suffered an untimely death, and was martyred at the teeth of an orca. His heart will go on however; 3578 people like the page “Put Happy Feet back in the ocean. Nek minute, Happy meal”.
 
1ST RUNNER UP
Levi Hawken
Occupation: Pro skater cum comedian
Quote: “Nek Minnit”
Reason for Media Attention: victim of reckless crime
Personal Philosophy: “Nek Minnit”
A newcomer to the celebrity-verse, Hawken shot to fame in August with his 9 second Youtube sensation entitled “Nek Minnit”, gaining over 800,000 views and inspiring numerous spin offs. Beautiful in its simplicity, the video features a topless Hawken in a skate park. “Left my scooter outside the dairy”, he says, exposing his missing tooth, “Nek Minnit”. The camera pans down to a scooter, lying broken in the dirty gutter.
It’s not just two poorly pronounced words; it’s a lifestyle, a philosophy. It’s the twenty-first century’s answer to “Hakuna Matata”; it’s a carefree phrase which refuses to recognise any causality in life, or any responsibility in the events that occur.
Gaining countrywide acclaim on a mere seven words is a feat that makes even Paris Hilton look talented. But Hawken pulls it off with panache, looking a little like a botox experiment gone wrong as he does, and for that, we commend him wholeheartedly.
 
2ND RUNNER UP
Joe Lucky 7s
Occupation: Successful pimp
Quote: “If they’re just getting hand relief, they’ll feel it’s not really cheating”
Reason for Media Attention:
Personal Philosophy: “Nek Minnit”
 
Joe’s story is truly a rags-to-riches fairytale. Joe began as a regular patron of the prestigious brothel-cum-amusement park that is Lucky 7s. He worked his way up to become the custodian, and then, when the previous brothel owner threw in the semen-drenched towel, Joe moved up to the top spot. This year, Joe finally entered the hearts of the students, winning them over with his witty quips about “the sex”.
He may not have passed fashion school, but he certainly paid attention in health class, proving to be the bastion of unjudgemental behavior. He’s considerate towards his patrons, offering them “hand relief” as a clever loophole to avoid infidelity. He’s also a great employer, apparently, with one of his workers citing “what this place has got to offer, the atmosphere, and 90% the boss” as reasons why she wouldn’t work anywhere else.
Most memorably, however, Joe is the proud owner of Cunnalinga Pro 1.2, Stock a la Fritzl, Judas Lash Master 2.0 and a water slide (Super Squirter 3000). Joe is the definition of self-made man, treading the oft-neglected road from desperate to (benevolent) dictator.
 
HIGHLY COMMENDED
Heather Roy
Occupation: Beauty Queen
Quote: “I have 3 words for you. Voluntary. Student. Membership”
Reason for Media Attention: Libertarian Goddess
Personal Philosophy: Freedom
If this year belongs to anyone, it belongs to the star of all libertarians’ wank banks, Ms Heather Roy herself. Blessed with flowing golden locks and the smile of a viper, Roy really has had a great year. Not only has she been the poster-girl of the ACT party, she’s also been the voice of reason in a party populated with cannabis smokers, yellow suit wearers and people coining the confrontational phrase “get raped”.
But of real note is her flirtation with local award winner, Logan Edgar. When Edgar decided to rip up her image as part of a VSM protest, Roy offered to send down some flattering photos of herself for the occasion (causing David Farrar of Kiwiblog to post “Having seen the photo Heather asked them to use, I suspect quite a few students probably took one home instead :) ). Ew.
So if anyone is the real winner this year, at least in the political realm, it’s Roy. Roy: 1, Socialist Student Associations that feed off coerced dollars: O.
 
Hone Harawira
Occupation: Class Warrior
Quote: “The devil in the blue and the devil in the red”
Reason for Media Attention: telling it like it is
Personal Philosophy: “If you want to be a warrior, you have to be a warrior all the time”
You know how your mum always told you to “be yourself”, and you smiled and nodded and realised that your pretend public-image self was probably a much better version of yourself anyway and so being yourself was maybe not such a good idea after all? Hone Harawira never realised that. If anyone’s into being themselves and telling it like it is, it’s Hone “I wouldn’t feel comfortable if my kid came home with a Pakeha partner” Harawira. After being kicked out of the Maori Party for misbehaving, Harawira said “fuck you” to Parliament and started up his own party, the Mana Party. The Mana Party era really opened up a can of “fuck you”s, with Harawira hating on pretty much anyone and everyone.
 
Hilary Calvert
Occupation: Shadow Mistress
Quote: When asked about her criminal convictions, “Look, I don’t think I have but I will find out”
Reason for Media Attention: Style icon
Personal Philosophy: Keeping a secret will make it go away.
For a time, it was Calvert who kept the ODT in business. Surprisingly, it wasn’t her in-need-of-a-brush hair that made the headlines. Last year Calvert hit Parliament, replacing child-passport stealing David Garrett, although she was unable to say whether she had had criminal convictions, had been a member of another party, and when she first stood for the ACT party.
You thought it couldn’t get worse, but this year has been a year of winning moments. First, Calvert claimed that she wasn’t really associated with La Maison, only for it to come out that her eyes featured on the billboard. Next, she demonstrated an apparent lack of legal knowledge, citing that her reason for using her own eyes was she “didn’t want anyone who was a stranger, who would sue you for using their image”. Riiight. After unsuccessfully disassociating herself from the seedy establishment, Calvert demonstrated her moral flexibility once more by turning on Rodney Hide, allowing Don Brash to become leader. Sadly, Calvert’s turncoat ways were not repaid well. Calvert was then “dumped” from her high rank on the ACT party list, mostly because she was a bit too country, a bit too South Island for the “sleek” image the party wanted to portray.
 
Colin Mathura Jeffree
Occupation: Camera whore
Quote: Fabulous
Reason for Media Attention: Standing in front of any passing camera
Personal Philosophy: Fabulous
Described on his Wikipedia page as a “New Zealand model, actor, television host and spokesperson”, Mathura-Jeffree is the crème de la crème of D-class celebrities. He began his career as an international model, before starring in the Xena: Warrior Princess television series in 1999.
This year, Mathura-Jeffree has gone from universally hated Top Model host to beloved darling of New Zealand media. After gaining a cult-like following from his brilliant performance on New Zealand’s Hottest Home Naker, in which Mathura-Jeffree, who is clearly not well versed in baking practices, offered advice wrought with sexual innuendo to the contestants, Mathura-Jeffree went from strength to strength, becoming the only remaining good thing about Next Top Model. The unsung hero of New Zealand TV, Mathura-Jeffree is glamour, comedy, fabulousness and outrageousness in one.
 
 
Logan Edgar
Occupation: Professional inmate and sharn artist
Quote: “I’m smart as fuck”
Reason for Media Attention: Bringing the cunt back
Personal Philosophy:
As by-the-book as Paul Henry, as charming as Tucker Max, and apparently as smart as “fuck”, Edgar has been a president to be proud of. He’s had more “-gates” than your south Canterbury farm, or Clinton for that matter. He celebrated his first win with a foursome, spent a night in a cage, called Sir Roger Douglas a “cunt”, said he’d rather watch paint dry than listen to OUSA-owned Radio One, contracted scabies in his office and compared himself to both Fritzl and Mandela within the space of a week. If he doesn’t deserve a SoGo, well, we’re not sure who else deserves such a liquidy punishment.
 
John Campbell
Occupation: Philanthropist
Quote: “Marvelous”
Reason for Media Attention: He is the media
Personal Philosophy: “No story too small”
Mr Marvelous is hardly new on the scene, but he deserves recognition for his attempts at making earthquake-ridden, and later, storm-molested Christchurch look like a blast. When everyone else cowered in their studios, or ventured timidly out of their studios only to hurriedly run back inside, Campbell went to the thick of it, trudging through liquefaction to get to the “story”. He took social activism to a whole new level of pettiness, taking offence at the price of milk and All Black jerseys.
When everyone gets sick of cheering for the underdog, Campbell is still there, umbrella in one hand, mic in the other, talking joyously about poorly-taken snow photos sent in from his almost painfully middle New Zealand viewers. Now that’s what we call intrepid reporting.