Features

Some of you will be giddy as a school girl over the arrival of the Rugby World Cup. The rest of you will be burying your head in your textbooks waiting for the whole bloody thing to be over so New Zealand can stop being a one dimensional man cave. The ever-considerate Joe Stockman has put together a little something for both sides. For rugby lovers, a rundown of the four pools and what you can expect in the coming seven weeks. For rugby haters, we give you ten reasons you should still love the Rugby World Cup.
 
For the haters:
ten reasons haters should love the World Cup
 
•    We’re probably going to lose. Again.
We suck at Rugby World Cups. Consistently the greatest rugby team in the world throughout the rest of rugby calendar, we haven’t managed to lift the William Webb Ellis since the first time anybody bothered to get rucked for it, way back in 1987. Sure, we look good now. Sure, we’re hotter than that rash your flatmate gave you, but if anyone can fuck it all up when it all looks so promising, it’s us.
 
•    The boys are hot.
So this only appeals to about 60% of you, but let’s face it, there some stunners in international rugby. And not only do you have the Kiwi boys to look at, but professional sportsmen from all over the world will be walking Dunedin’s streets. Sportsmen from Ireland, Argentina, Italy, England, Romania and Georgia - okay maybe not those last two.
 
•    Sonny Bill Williams is a Muslim.
While I fully support Sonny and his newfound faith, (though I have to question fasting before a rugby test), this is a great opportunity to throw one in the faces of the dyed-in-the-wool, masochistic, racist, fuckwit rugby fans you all hate. Grow out your beard, or don your burqa, and every time Sonny Bill hits the line, scream out your best “Allahu akbar!” Guaranteed hilarity will ensue.
 
•    Gambling
Betting away your course related costs on rugby games is clearly what Studylink intended. But don’t waste your money trying to collect the measly $1.50 the All Blacks are paying to win. Get creative. Romania is paying $10,000 to take out the cup. Long odds, for sure, but chuck a cheeky fiver down, and if they take pull it off, no more student loan! If really long odds aren’t your style, Critic suggests beating on Italy to come second in Pool C. The deciding game is being played at our very own stadium between the Irish and the Italians, and it’s sure to be a cracker of a game.
 
•    Playing Liquor Ban Tag.
A sweeping liquor ban has been put in place over almost all of North Dunedin. The cops say that it’s to stop bottles getting into the stadium, and drunken behaviour on the streets, but we all know that it’s really so they can play tag. Grab yourself a So-Go, and walk up to the nearest of Dunedin’s finest. Crack it under his nose, and yell as loud as you can “Tag, you’re it!” Now get yourself back to private property as fast your little second year legs can carry you. (Note: being on private property in no way prevents the police from arresting you for previously breaching the ban, so Critic also suggests the use of elaborate disguises and escape routes)
 
•    Photo bombing
Up to 15,000 tourists will be passing through Dunedin during the tournament, all wanting to take home lovely photographic memories of their time in our fair city. Mess with them all, and photo bomb the shit out of their holiday snaps. Get creative. Photo bomb with your friends, photo bomb in the nude…
 
•    Wear body paint
Fuck buying a jersey from those corporate bigwigs Adidas. Buy a cheap bucket of black paint and support the All Blacks the way God intended, au natural. And not only the AB’s but other sides too. Not sure who to support in the England vs Georgia game? Mix it up and paint one half white and the other side, ah, what fucking colour is Georgia?
 
•    Outdrink a tourist
Dunedin has been blessed with some of the heaviest drinking rugby fans in the world. England’s Barmy Army will be here in force, and combined with fans from Ireland, Argentina and Georgia, Dunedin’s bars and clubs will be humming. And while, of course, you will be studying for exams, take an evening off, head into the Octy, and outdrink one of those hard-drinking wannabes. Of course, if you can’t outdrink them, you can always take them back to your flat for some good old-fashioned North D hospitality.
 
•    If we lose, John Key will suffer
Serious scientific research has shown that incumbent politicians suffer when their countries fail at sporting events. If we lose, expect Johnny boy to come down a few notches. Of course, if you like the Key, then you’ll probably be enjoying the World Cup anyway.
 
•    It will all be over soon
It only takes seven weekends, and you’ll be studying for exams the whole time anyway. Even better, it will be at least twenty four years till we have to host another one!
 
For the lovers
It all kicks off at Eden Park on September 9 with the All Blacks taking on Tonga. First and second from each pool will progress through to the quarter finals. If the RWC have their seeding right, it should be New Zealand versus England, and Australia versus South Africa battling out the semi-finals. The Final will be played on Sunday October 23 at Eden Park.
 
Pool A
NZ, France, Tonga, Canada, Japan
The All Blacks are looking great heading into the World Cup, even if Ted did leave Isaia Toeava in there. However, the All Blacks have been the top ranked team heading into every World Cup since 1987, and that’s how long it’s been since we won the bloody thing. Can they finally break the voodoo on home soil? The ABs’ World Cup bogey team, France, will be fighting out the All Blacks for top spot in this pool. Forget that they’ve been playing sloppy rugby of late. The only thing the French love more than blowing up protest vessels is beating the ABs at the World Cup. The ABs play France on September 24 at Eden Park.
 
Pool B
Argentina, England, Scotland, Georgia, Romania,
England should have this pool in the bag. Jonny Wilkinson is back for the English to once again lead them to RWC glory, but you can never write off the Argentines and their massive scrum. Wilkinson had a stunning 1,169 days out injured after winning the cup for England in 2003, yet he’s still going head-to-head with Dan Carter to be top point scorer of all time. Look out for Jonny’s drop kick if England comes up against the All Blacks in the semi-finals. Scotland and Argentina are pretty even and it should be a tight battle for second place.
 
Pool C
Australia, Ireland, Italy, Russia, USA
Australia’s lead in to the world cup has been bizarre. James O’Connor got pissed and missed the team photo; Captain Rocky Elsom got dumped by the Kiwi coach of the Aussies, Robbie Deans, the day of the team announcement, and there are even rumours of a dust up between teammates at a bar in Paris. However they are still the number two team in the world, and should comfortably take out the pool. Look out for the September 15 clash between Cold War superpowers Russia and the USA, in New Plymouth. The other game to watch will be Ireland versus Italy at Otago stadium on October 2, which should decide second place. With two of the more passionate fan bases, it should be quite a spectacle.
 
Pool D
South Africa, Wales, Fiji, Samoa, Namibia.
The South Africans should walk away with this pool. Their team is the most capped in South African history (you get a ‘cap’ every time you play for your country). However no one loves their rugby more than the all-singing, all-dancing Welsh. They have taken the South Africans close in their last two matches, so look for a big battle on September 11 in Wellington. Fiji and Samoa should put on an entertaining battle of hard-hitting, running rugby, while minnows Namibia can hopefully do more than just make up the numbers.
 
WHAT NOT TO MISS [put this in a side bar at the end]
Team most likely to be struck down by the rugby gods
England. The Poms have the cheek of wearing black, in New Zealand! Surely the rugby gods will not allow such insolence; and a fate worse than a quarter finals knock out awaits those galling bloody Brits.
Team most likely to cause the biggest upset
Fiji or Wales. There could be a serious battle for first place in pool D if South Africa has a bad game against either the Welsh or the Fijians.
Must see game of the tournament
All Blacks versus France: September 24th at Eden Park. The French love getting up over the boys in Black at the World Cup; if they pull it off again, the All Blacks campaign will be in disarray. Look out for some flamboyant creative rugby and some big second half pressure from the French.
 
Critic’s RWC Final Prediction: All Blacks 26, Australia 14.