Features

Graduating
Over the next few weekends it will be impossible to book a table at a restaurant or drive down George Street without being run over by a horde of people with weird square hats. Why? It’s graduation time, of course. You’ll get there soon. Critic examines the major courses of study at the University of Otago and where they lead you after you graduate …

Law
Long story short, Law provides students with an unsubstantiated opportunity to wank themselves off. Despite pulling an astounding mid-30k package out of uni (not nearly what you were expecting, was it?), being a lawyer requires long hours for little reward. If you’re interested, the ‘corporate jock’ environment is prevalent in the big firms, though why you would ever be interested in this is highly questionable.
Graduate salary: $35-40k
 
Medicine 
Ahhh. John Keating (or Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society) defined Medicine best: “Medicine … these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” How noble it is to study Med. Yet how much of a blowout is it to study Med. Busy as fuck, but a free ride – have you ever heard of the Uni failing a Med student? Still, perfect for those “is there a doctor in the building” scenarios.
Graduate salary: &80k
 
Accountancy
Bean-counting. Need we say more? 
Accounting consists of two things: tax and audit. While these might just interest those among us with no right brain, this career path provides a large degree of security and predictability, further supporting the analytical, logical (read: boring) nature of the common accounting student.
Graduate salary: $37k
 
Design
This is a touchy subject in the context of the University of Otago, with the recent decision to disestablish the Design Studies Department. However, Design students, as a rule, can expect no graduate job, but much time spent struggling to find one. Sucks. However, if you do make it big in this line of study, an interesting and dynamic career path may await you. And we don’t use the word dynamic lightly here; this isn’t a job description, this is realism, motherfucker.
Graduate salary: dole.
 
Zoology
Despite what they may tell you, zoology is simply the study of the art of the zookeeper. Don’t be fooled by jargon and bureaucracy; this is true. However, Critic believes this to be perhaps the most exciting graduate opportunity of all – risking your limbs to dangerous carnivores all before smoko is pretty hardcore (not in the Taranaki sense of the word either). A stimulating prospect in this line of work is the chance to move up to the highly regarded role of lion-tamer in one of this nation’s many fine circuses.
Graduate salary: Auckland Zoo would not return our calls.
 
The Sciences
The somewhat narrow path that is science will lead one to a role cooped up in a white coat, and most probably wearing tissue boxes as shoes, terrified of microscopic germs (see Simpsons episode $pringfield, (or, How I learned to stop worrying and love legalized gambling)). 
Graduate salary: $35K
 
Critic Volunteer
What a fantastic way to work your way up the chain of command in the main form of student media on campus. By starting out at the entry-level position of news grunt, you can gain an insider’s view into what makes this fine magazine tick, and eventually slot into the big dog’s role.
Graduate salary: dole.
 
Surveying
Don your tool belt – this is the only genuine trade you’ll pick up at this institution. Satisfy those manly urges by rocking ‘round in a ute and talking trash to mutts at yards. As a career option, this allows you to open up shop in small-town New Zealand and be a man’s man.
Graduate salary: $50k
 
Food Science
AKA cooking class. For all those ladies who’ve already conquered ironing, this is the next step up. Not only does it provide women with the opportunity to become better wives, it also allows a certain sense of self-satisfaction for undertaking tertiary study.
Graduate salary: the love and affection of your family.
 
The Humanities
The many different BAs offered provide two career options: schoolteacher or academic. Either combine a Bachelor of Teaching and ‘make a difference’, or continue studying and devote a life to knowledge and the impartment of said knowledge unto fellow consumers of the world of academia. Be it Greek or Gender Studies, this wide field only heads down one road. And don’t expect any fantastic remuneration.
Graduate salary: $25k
 
Marketing
AKA sales. Study a degree of jargon in order to get a grad job involving wining and dining clients. Sounds pretty sweet. Until you wake up one day, a hollow shell of a human, realising you haven’t contributed to society’s success, but rather its downfall. Suck on that. Cunt.
Graduate salary: $30k
 
Finance
For everybody who watched Wall Street (think Michael Douglas and “greed is good”), this may seem like a viable career option. Stop and think. You may recently have heard of a crazy little thang called a recession. These little fuckers will cut you out of your job faster than that lake turns. And it turns on a sixpence. The day you get to call New York to finalise some mergers will be the day you make it in this world.
Graduate salary: $45k