Over the break, some of our reporters decided to try a variety of purported hangover cures. Raw eggs, long runs, and black coffee: it’s all in here. What worked and what didn’t? We put our livers on the line to get to the truth.
Black Coffee, Nicotine and a Cold Shower
A hangover leaves you feeling dusty and slow, so what better way to combat that than feeling electric and fast? This cure is like plugging your body into a socket, and the only thing missing is a hard slap across the face, because that’s what the rest of the steps are doing to your brain. It’s hitting the hard-reset button. Now, from experience, this cure doesn’t really get rid of the hangover; it just pushes it further down the line. You’ll feel great for a few hours, but after the initial zing wears off, you’ll remember that you aren’t actually superhuman. But while this might not be a great cure for your headache, it’s certainly a remedy for your bowels. You will shit out every ounce of sin residing in your gut before you can say “we’re out of loo rolls.”
Pros: You feel very fast.
Cons: You feel very fast AND very stressed.
Overall rating: 7/10, bonus points if you try all three at the same time.
Weed and KFC
A cone and a zinger combo truly is the ultimate Sunday hangover cure. I woke up after a big Saturday night, sore, groggy, and with a slamming headache. I got myself a few tall glasses of water and went straight for the wake & bake approach. After a hearty bong rip outside as I watched the Sunday morning slip away, I felt a warm buzz envelop my body and mind. I forgot about my headache. I forgot about my sore legs. I forgot about my KFC. Shit, my KFC. I ordered my spicy grease-drenched meal and put on some Netflix. I was still tired, but it didn't matter because my plans for the day consisted of sitting on the couch and not much else. Once the KFC had been picked up, eating it felt like scratching an itch that had gone unscratched for years. I felt cured. I wanted to cry. This is the perfect hangover cure. Unless, of course, you're drinking on a worknight, and getting stoned the next morning isn't an option. Then you're fresh out of luck. See if any of the other cures do anything for you, I guess.
Pros: You ascend above any mortal "hangover" you may have.
Cons: You're not going to get anything done today, but were you anyways?
Overall rating: 9.5/10
Tripe (cow stomach) stew
Though I was in the North Island for break, I’d managed to survive A*ckland without binge drinking… to an extent. One night I’d had enough, and bought the cheapest litre of vodka Queen Street had to offer with the intent of introducing the city to a proper Dunner Chunner. Armed with a bottle, some mixers and a $6.74 packet of beef tripe from a basement Asian supermarket, I was ready for a McFucking Time. Unfortunately, the rather appetising NZ-made vodka I’d purchased was borderline undrinkable. Like, I’ll chug anything when I’m drunk, but this shit really opened my eyes to why we aren’t a patriotic country in the slightest. I can still taste it, and it makes me want to commit treason.
I paired said paint thinner with the obvious choice: cow stomach. Beef tripe, or the lining of the second stomach, is made into a broth and used as a hangover cure everywhere from Romania (ciorba de burta) to Mexico (menudo). Lemon, vinegar and cream are often added, but I decided to make my mum proud and go for a Chinese soup instead. I pulled up to my mate's place and slammed the packet of guts on the table before proceeding to force the vodka down and get immediately sloppy.
I have vague memories of my very sober friends gagging into their shirts while the tripe was simmering. Anyone who's eaten organs before knows that they have a different taste and smell to cuts of muscle – they retain that deterrently raw, almost bacterial smell for a lot longer, a smell that was NOT pleasant to be around while head-spinningly wasted. Once cooked thoroughly, however, you achieve something that's almost like a conventional beef stew, minus the bio lab aftertaste and spongy little floaters. Drunk me went at it hard, and even though I'd had half a litre of vodka I woke up early the next morning feeling great and headache-free. I guess nothing helps reline your stomach like consuming actual stomach lining.
Pros: I froth a good broth and it was pretty tasty.
Cons: That broiling intestine smell had me ready to be put out to pasture, and it's a lot of prepwork.
Overall rating: 5.5/10
Raw egg "prairie oyster"
Feeling clear-headed and invincible after my morning stomach soup, I decided to truly test my limits and summon another hangover. This time: the prairie oyster. Not the Canadian dish consisting of bulls’ testicles, but the iconic movie hangover cure featuring a raw egg, hot sauce, lemon juice and Worcestershire sauce. A true condiment Cronenberg. I downed the better part of a box of seltzers in preparation, but my hot girl IBS made me weary to drink more. 10 standards ain't gonna cut it with me, and I woke up in the morning unfortunately hangover-free. Still, the hoe must go on. I somberly and unnecessarily cracked an egg yolk into a glass and stared at it in silence. Next, Sriracha, Worcestershire, lemon, and a fuck load of salt and pepper. My parents watched from the kitchen, and boy were they disappointed. I leaned my head back and tipped the concoction straight into my gullet. It wasn't bad, honestly – the flavours do a pretty good job of masking the raw egg, and including only the yolk makes the volume small enough to down in one big gulp. I slammed the glass down triumphantly only to make eye contact with my dad. I promise I'm fine, really. No, we don't need to have a talk.
Pros: Easy, and surprisingly palatable. If you like hot sauce and sour anchovy juice, that is. Makes you feel like a layabout playboy bachelor in a way I can't explain.
Cons: If you consider this an oyster, your life is definitely bad. Not effective on a chemical level, and just a really gross way of having a morning feed.
Overall rating: 6/10
Tak yak
The night consisted of a shared bottle of red wine, a ten-second icebreaker chug, a couple stack cup cups, and three Wakachangis. This is around 12 standards in roughly 4ish hours, not super small but still not as much as, say, your only cool family member at a wedding. In the drunk video I made pre-tak yak I said, “I don’t want to puke,” a sentiment further confirmed by the after-tak yak video. Tears were crusted on my face, and I reported that “since I wasn’t at the point of needing to throw up, that was pretty bad.” But the real question is: did it work? More or less, yes it did. I was not hungover the next day in the slightest. With these standards over this course of time, I would usually feel a bit groggy. But the next day? Ready to carp the denim or whatever they say. The only drawback was forcing my unlubricated fingers down my gullet when I did not feel that drunk. That was not fun and mostly not worth it. If I were more pissed, however, probably would not have minded that much.
Pros: If you’re drunk enough, this is a sure-fire way to get some sleep.
Cons: Acid in your throat is very bad for you long-term. Also, it sucked.
Overall Rating: 7/10
Hangover Helper
I took a couple of Routine Hangover Helper pills on a night out, and had two people ask me if they could buy 'one of those caps' off me. Much to the dismay of the bloke in the Huffer tee wearing Major Major branded sunglasses at night, Hangover Helper pills, like most natural hangover cure pills, are made with things like raisin tree, ginseng, and ginger and not, as he was hoping, MDMA. I don't really know if it worked or not. When I woke up the morning after, I felt a little bit groggy but probably less than I would have expected. Then again, it could have been placebo, or I could have just drunk less than I normally would, or drunk more water before bed. Who knows. They definitely didn't NOT work. For what it’s worth, other accounts from the office say that it definitely helped.
Pros: It's healthy for you either way.
Cons: I have no idea if it did anything and they’re kinda spenny.
Overall rating: 6/10
Hair of the Dog
After drinking the better part of a bottle of gin, the next morning felt suspiciously fun and woozy. The hangover was just over the horizon, as the gin had not actually worn off. I waited an hour until I could feel the headache begin to claw its way into my mind, and that’s when I went back to the bottle. And let me tell you: it was a mistake. The gin tasted fucking awful. I mixed it with OJ, but my stomach was more sober than my brain, and it revolted immediately. I pushed on. Lo and behold, after two drinks, I became incredibly intoxicated, because that was never that far out of reach. I forgot that I was hungover. When the bottle was done, around 11 am, I had no worries. I waited a few hours – and then I wanted to die. The booze wore off, and the new hangover was twice as bad as the original. My head throbbed. My stomach churned. I realised that drinking alcohol is like borrowing happiness from the future: you can borrow as much as you like, and you can keep it rolling as long as you can muster, but eventually that debt must be paid. And pay it, I did.
Pros: It’s got a funny name, I guess.
Cons: The entire experience.
Overall Rating: 1/10