“Bitches and sluts these days only wanna date jerks. No luck for nice guys like me,” said local man Brandon Lee in an internet rant yesterday. Lee, who is known for his extremist political opinions, anime fandom, and general unpleasantness, complained bitterly about “always being stuck in the friend zone,” despite the fact that The Critical Tribune could find no woman who was willing to go on the record claiming to be his friend.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Te Arohi
MORE COLUMNS
- Moaningful Confessions: Issue 3
- Letters: Issue 3 2025
- Horoscopes: Issue 3 2026
- OUSA giving students a reason to engage
- Editorial: Optimism isn’t dead yet
- Better Cones and Garden: A Look Through The Hole in the Wall
- From the Pātaka
- Booze Review: Tui Vodka Red
- Horoscopes: Issue 2 2026
- Crossword Answers - Issue 2 2026



