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Top 5 Necessary Characteristics To Produce The Ultimate Religious Cult

 
    Did you know that ‘Brian Tamaki’ is a perfect anagram for ‘I am a bit rank’? Coincidence? I think not. He is pretty fucking rank.
 
   5. Money: Wanna know how to make heaps of money? Copy Scientology! It clearly functions more as a corporation than an actual religious sect. I guess in a sense it works in a similar way to female hair product commercials by saying “Guess what? Your hair looks like shit and you’re ugly! But that’s all good ‘cos if you buy this treatment you’ll be happy, and it doesn’t cost that much! Honest!” Basically replace the words ‘hair’ with ‘life’ and you have a Scientology business model.
 
   4. Leader: A strong, charismatic, and usually quirky leader is required for an effective cult. Joseph Smith, who was essentially the first Mormon, is one such character. He founded the religion in quite an odd way. Go read the story: it’s trippier than Alice in Wonderland. Seriously.
 
   3. Purpose: Sometimes the idea of a purpose is relative to the person hearing it. Like when Brian Tamaki says something like “receiving money to help people,” others might call it “extortion and self-profiting.” Although to be fair, many of us exaggerate things all the time. Like when girls say “your dick is a comfortable size” usually means “you’ve got a tiny dick teheheh!” But ya know, tomato, tomato – what’s the difference?
 
   2. Persuasion: It is absolutely key to be able to persuade normal people to do things that they normally wouldn’t do. For example, I’m not very good at it because I can barely convince members of the opposite sex to sleep with me. Jim Jones on the other hand, appears to have to persuasive power of at least ten Obamas. He’s the guy who managed to convince over 900 people to commit suicide in 1978, making it the largest mass suicide ever. It’s a shame he used his skill to commit such a terrible thing. We could have harnessed that kind of persuasion today to finally convince the International Socialists that no one gives a fuck about what they have to say.
 
   1. Buy my book: Yeah, so, I’m releasing a book called Richard Cheese’s Guide to Happiness, it only costs $100, which is great value considering it’ll tell you have to solve, like, every problem in your life. All you have to accept is that the Divine Blob Lord will come down soon on a giant unicorn and will rescue the souls of the true believers. Those who do not believe, obviously have evil jaberwaki spirits that need to be relinquished. That’s okay though! ‘Cos for only $200 we can give you special treatment, which consists of five rubbing crystals and some special Richard Cheese Juice, will help to purify your soul. Oh, and by the way, your life is shit and you’re ugly – but don’t worry, we can fix that too!