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A Symphony of Queefs.

In my younger years, I had this distinct illusion that sex was a clean, soft, velvety affair of veils, heavy panting, and moans. Little did I expect squishes and other noises. Let’s talk a little about queefs. Queefs are merely the fodder of farcical sex. Queefs are never featured in Hollywood. Queefs are the clit’s clown nose. Queefs are a vaginal burp, a vart, an unexpected toot after a couple of deep thrusts. It’s just air being pushed out of the vagina. How biology betrays us …
There’s nothing wrong with queefs. They don’t smell and there’s nothing fecal about them, unless you suffer from colovaginal fistula, which is when a tear between the vagina and the colon makes queefs rancid. Usually, queefs make sex the kind of hilarious experience you never really expected in your virginal years. In the event of a queef, make eye contact, laugh about it and quickly move on, or ignore it. No disgusted faces allowed. Queefing’s a pretty regular female occurrence during exercise or at the mall.
Some lovers find queefing erotic and blow air into the vagina during cunnilingus to hear that sweet bubbly chiming in their ears. It can be produced, usually in doggy style, when the lover pulls out most of their appendage before thrusting again.
If you feel the need to produce a queef at will – tremendous party trick, ladies – please use the following technique. Lie down, put your legs in the air and spread them. Reach down, spread your labias so you feel them fully embracing the air. Relax your pelvic and vaginals muscles, then clench and relax your vaginal muscles kegel style. When you feel assertively warmed up, roll back on your shoulders, raise your legs up higher, and spread them wider. Push down with your pelvic muscles. Inhale deeply, and then exhale sharply while contracting your abdomen. This will help suck air up there. Several repeats of this might occasion a queef, but you can also wait until you have some air in there, then quickly bring your legs together and lower them, and exhale while contracting your abdomen to push the air out of your vagina.
Let’s hope you never have to answer the question: “That wasn’t a fart, was it?”
Personally, I think I live in a Western society where I talk about orgasm like I brush my teeth. I think what is worth a consideration or two is how exposed and impersonal we allow our sex lives to be, because they become a piece of social trivia like any other, when maybe …