Columns

Top 5 Reasons Why I Should Get Paid To Write This Column

Writing these columns is hard work, you know. First I have to get drunk. Then I have write some poorly constructed sentences with immature statements, which some call ‘humour’. Then I have to research shit sometimes. Life is tough.
 
5. The shit I put up with: Now, Ben does a pretty good job at editing out my drunken mistakes but one of his favourite pastimes (other than Facebook stalking me) is to mutilate my columns with commas. My guess is that he counts five words then puts a comma in regardless of what’s there. Not just that but sometimes he edits a few minor things like, I dunno, not putting the fucking title on it so it doesn’t make sense or puts the numbers around the wrong way. WTF is up with that?
4. Everything else sucks: I’m not sure about you but I usually don’t read the Critic. It has some useful information like that article about how to fuck a moose, which was great because I’ve been trying unsuccessfully for years now. However, everything else in here sucks balls. I’m arrogantly going to assume that this is your favourite column and that’s cool and all, but to be honest you obviously have bad taste.
3. I bring in the numbers: Clearly people who pick up the Critic always read this. Half the time my column is next to an ad anyway. Therefore, I should get a chunk of that. Do you know how much it costs to get drunk every weekend while keeping a hooker in my basement? It’s cheaper than you’d think, but these things are essential to the production of this column.
2. Everyone does less work than me: I’ve indicated how much time and effort goes into keeping you entertained. What does Ben do? He puts up weird photos of himself so you can wonder what the fuck he’s up to and then summarises all the work that everyone else has done. Then all the fucking editors get together and review shit! So they’re having a fun time blowing a whole lot of money! Meanwhile, I get drunk and try to keep the hooker and my pet iguana Pedro under control!
1. I’ll fucking quit: I didn’t think it would come to this but I’m putting the threat out there. You need to write in and show your support or I’ll drop my standards and start writing for Salient.