Columns

Top 5 Ways To Score A Fresher

The way to a woman’s heart is long and arduous. Fresher girls are no different. Since this is the best and only advice column in Critic, I thought I’d share a guide on scoring a fresher.
 
5. Get to know her: If you’re even going to get anywhere near her pants you first need to pay close attention to her. Listen to the things she says. Tune in to her. Provide some clever responses. Make her laugh. My friends, this is just the beginning. Need an ice-breaker? No worries! Just say something like “Hey, did you read Critic last week? OMG did you read the Top 5 article? It was a bit weird but kinda funny ...” I used this and it worked. Once. In a dream ...
 
4. Make her feel special: You need to separate yourself from the crowd. When she gets a haircut, compliment her. When she buys a new dress, tell her she looks amazing in it. When she thinks she is ugly, tell her she’s got a mean ass. Be there for her.
 
3. Sacrifice your time for her: Take her out somewhere nice. If you can’t afford it, just cook a candlelit meal for her. I recommend apple and apricot stuffed pork chops with sautéed potatoes, and a gentle helping of asparagus to tickle her taste buds. If you don’t know what sautéed means then clearly you’re an unromantic piece of shit, and you don’t deserve her! You are eternally doomed to a partnership with Mrs. Handerson.
 
2. Make her dreams come true: For that first kiss, make it perfect. Don’t go in too hard, or too soft. Lock your arms firmly around her. Make her feel like she’s the only girl in the world that matters.
 
1. The Truth: Hahaha! You silly goose, everything I just said is probably helpful, but also completely optional. Here’s the ideal way to smash some fresher box. Go to The Cook and approach a fresher (this covers about 95 percent of the people there). Then buy her a drink and tell her you’re third-year or something. Then she’ll be mad keen, so just walk right out of the bar with her. After fucking her a few times tell her you gotta get up early for, umm ... ‘exam study’ and kick her out. Wasn’t so hard after all, was it?