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“I just came so easily from sex I never thought I needed a vibrator”

If I were a bar, I’d be in a small dark alley, my bartenders would wear scarves, and I wouldn’t be popular on Tuesdays. If Peaches and Cream (112 St Andrew Street) were a person, it would have blonde hair, show its tits at parties, and look bronzed under neon lights. Coco Bella (20 Albany Street) would be a sultry older woman with cleavage you could lose some dimes in and you know she’d twist you six ways to pleasure eternity, then give you a glass of milk and a cookie. The Sheet Shuffle’s riding silicone this week.
If you’ve never experimented with sex toys, Coco Bella’s kindly saleswoman will get you on your way. From clit butterflies to raging veiny vibrators, she will guide you through the process of buying your first one. She may also suggest you start your dryer, suction a black, ten-inch dildo to its side, and hop on … 
Coco Bella sells the ‘c’-shaped VIBE, a little clamp that simultaneously stimulates your clit and your G spot. The saleswoman told me to wear it while writing essays to stay relaxed. When worn during sex, the strength of the vibrations may encourage premature ejaculation. The texting vibrator only activates when your lover texts a number, which made my digital tentacles tingle in cellular delight. If you’re ready to graduate to 12-inch, rotating, clit-stimulating vibrators, then trust Peaches and Cream to supply wares of girth. Both stores sell little balls with weights that you insert and play around with to work on your pelvic floor muscles (Kegel). Do your sexercises, ladies: practicing that squeezing motion during sex will shoot your orgasm through the roof.
A note to the wary: if the box says “novelty toy,” there hasn’t been any testing on the materials, so you’re essentially stuffing your muff with bits of cancery plastic. Silicone, and German brands like Fun Factory (sleek and friendly colours), are the safer options. I’d suggest buying a cheaper vibrator as a first trial, then investing in a better brand.
Lest the men feel left out, Peaches and Cream has Fleshlights on display with vaginal replicas of your favorite porn stars! And Tenga has the Fliphole, a box that will press, stroke, and fondle your junk in pure, fleshy silicone tenderness. They also have a penis cup that imitates the sensation of different sexual practices, like double-entry threesomes, deep-throating, and the prosthetic booyah!
Robot sex is the safest kind of sex: frothing in silicone can’t fertilise ovaries.