No Fringe, No Indie | Issue 10

No Fringe, No Indie | Issue 10

This week’s style commentary will feature the satire created by political commentator Chris Trotter but with an Otago University twist. Without further ado, introducing the “Waitakere Jock”:

The Waitakere jock tends to enjoy the odd pint while watching a good game of rugby with the lads. Nostalgia is reserved for Gardies of course, but the Cook will suffice. New Zealand patriotism runs deep with these lovelies and affiliations to the likes of Fred Dagg and the Muldoon years is mandatory.

Think Jemaine Clement’s velvet voice, think pies, think full fat milk. As for appropriate attire, Waitakere jocks sport stubbies, “wife beater” singlets and jandals/flip-flops. Not thongs. Dabbling in woman’s clothing for the purpose of costuming is a no-no. We wouldn’t want to associate ourselves with the product of a repressed, Anglo-Saxon, macho society now would we? Rather, the “chick” is thought to be a foreign and yet easily acquired treat for this UniCol/Cumberland/Hayward/Studholm/Castle Street-residing breed.

Fancy yourself as a Waitakere jock? Why not try your hand at some DIY activities? For example, the standard beer “crate” offers a plethora of possibilities.

–The crate can be used as any sort of furniture substitute. For example, a coffee table, a bookshelf or a vase (however, the vase could be problematic). For those of the highbrow variety, the crate can also be used as a lovely foot stool, or “pouffe” to some “politically correct” folk.

–The crate may also serve as an excellent laundry basket. It has been over two weeks since your last stint at mum’s house. Why not do your own filthy washing?

For those who hope to complete the pinnacle of all DIY jobs, why not try and make your very own desk? Steal or borrow an old door that you probably kicked in last weekend during one of your benders, thinking it was a) open b) the Cook or c) your girlfriend. Stack two sets of three crates (six in total) to make the legs, and voila! This way, you can further your career or at least complete your commerce degree. With your new desk, you may aspire to be global head of foreign exchange, make hundreds of people redundant at Merrill Lynch in Australia or who knows, become Prime Minister of New Zealand, and one day dine with the Queen?

–Sasha Borissenko
This article first appeared in Issue 10, 2012.
Posted 12:51am Monday 7th May 2012 by Sasha Borissenko.