Columns

Top 5 Ways To Keep Warm During Winter

 
 
Goodness me, it is starting to get a wee bit cold! Being the most factual column in Critic, I thought I’d share some tips of how to get by this winter.
 
5. Drink More: If it works for the Russians, it can sure as hell work for us. Not only will it turn a cold, shitty night into a raging, warm night (thanks to your beer blanket) but the extra weight gained will probably do you some good, since it will shield you from the bitter cold.
 
4. Burn a Couch: Pssssst. Hey, guys, you’re actually not allowed to do this, so like don’t do it, eh. If you happen to find a couch that has ‘spontaneously combusted’ I hear it’s a pretty sweet source of heat. Why do you think everyone used to do it? Hmm ... the second-hand couch industry must have taken a massive hit after it had a raging CoC go through it.
 
3. Find a Fatty: Curling up in the rolls of a fat person is an ideal place to keep warm. You get the added bonus of when they eat, they’ll gargle with delight, thus providing soothing vibrations to put you to sleep. Sounds disgusting, does it? Well, just you wait and see how cold it gets and then we’ll see what you’re willing to do.
 
2. Sleep in the Fridge: As we all know, it’s probably warmer in there than it is outside. So why not make the most of that precious warmth by using it! Who cares about your food, what do you think will happen if you leave it outside? You think it’ll go off or something?!? I can’t even thaw out a fucking frozen chicken!
 
1. A Cup of Harden the FUCK UP: You’re a fucking Scarfie, so act like it and stop whining. When people hear that you’re at Otago and are all like “OMG it’s so cooooold down there! How do you survive??” the correct answer is “Oohhh, I just build an igloo with the ice around my window and drink more beer when I feel cold,” not “Nah, it’s all good I have like 20 electric blankets and the heat pump on.” You fucking pussies. Soon people will think we live in Auckland.