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Libidinous Tendencies and the Essay Wall


 
 
My creativity and my libido have gone hand in hand: they’ve met the increase in work by starkly plummeting. Thus I’ll engage my gender bias and my whiskey on ice and consider a few topical questions.
In answer to “Anonymous sexually frustrated male” (Letters, Issue 8): dearest, there are big bad traffic signs letting you know it’s a no-man zone. If girls are dancing together, in a circle, late in the night and close to closing, there’s very little chance you’ll be able to make a move. These chicks were in it for the entirely pure vag experience and there’s no room for you. However, if, should you approach said group of ladies earlier on in the evening, they actually give you more than a glance of eye contact, then there is a chance you’ll be able to lay on the charms when there’s a cleavage split and a couple of them fly off to buy drinks. Alternatively, follow them to the bar when they’ve taken a break from submerging each other estrogen: if they actually want to take a shot with you, then buddy, if you’re funny and you don’t have two left feet, you’re in. Work through the drunk haze, be patient and observe, and the available ladies will emerge. 
In answer to some female-friendly queries, alternatively, if a boy asks to buy you a drink, then the chances are second to none (unless he’s a long time friend with a girlfriend), that he’s hitting on you. You have obligations to respond – or else you have to say, “Thanks but no thanks, I’m good for tonight.” A drink = one dance/one conversation. It is classless to take advantage of a free drink and then run off with it. Then again, he’s not really entitled to more than one dance if you’re not into it. Basic interaction is a must and he might just surprise you wily wits and wonder.
Also, notes on morning sex: boys, don’t expect Niagara Falls if you’ve just been out the night before. ‘Tis improbable. Boys and ladies: brush your teeth. If morning sex is absolutely not an option, make it less awkward on both your parts and leave before it’s even a hesitant glance. On the other hand, unless one or the other is experiencing severe nausea, I’d consider it a bit of etiquette to leave each other high on endorphins for the next day. 
Back to my sippy sips – till next week, when inspiration strikes.