Columns

Tin Tin
Before my date I had been pre-drinking with a couple of flatmates, as seems customary for such endeavours. My solo walk to Toast only cemented my suspicion I shouldn’t have drunk as much, but adventure favours the bold, right? As I arrived, my gaze fell straight onto the hulking blonde bartender, most likely a deliberate ploy by the manager for more drink sales.
 
There was only a scattering of people in few stalls - making it all the more obvious when my date walked in the door bearing a huge Good Guy Greg expression – he too had opted for the jeans and suit jacket, a respectable choice. He wasted no time joining me in my obviously solo booth and suggested a couple of G&T’s to break the ice. Second year, arts degree, in a band, cheeky smile, nice ass; maybe Critic has excelled here. His Invercargill heritage was the only blemish on an otherwise A+ round of all the ‘standard questions’. After another round of G&T’s and a kiwifruit cocktail I was feeling slightly tipsy.?Derp invited me back to his place for a session - as the night was young and our bar tab was already exhausted, I obliged. He lived in a huge green wooden flat somewhere near Willowbank Dairy with stunning harbour views. His room; warm and dimly lit. Two joints down and we decided to make a quick mission to McDonald’s before returning to his place.
 
Massively underestimating how high I was, Derp somehow seduced me back to his bedroom. I can only recall the rest of the night in a fond greened-out steamy sex haze. For a guy of relatively normal stature I was pleasantly surprised by his towering pole of manhood. Luckily, he proved to be a competent bed companion and had me begging for more in no time, making me cum so hard I thought I would burst through the back of his head. As I retuned the favour, giving him a final parting bj, he uttered “me gusta” – which I think was a compliment. Home I headed, with no phone number in tow. Sleep sounds good.
 
Snowy
As an avid reader of Summer Lovin’ this year, I have often found my self disappointed. The portrayal of Otago students as easy, casual sex loving walking green lights was either false or wonderfully well hidden as all too often dates ended with an exchange of pleasantries and a peck on the cheek. With this in mind, a predatory attitude filled my mind as I made my solitary walk to Toast – I wasn’t returning home alone tonight. That much I was sure of.
 
Ignoring the seemingly routine pre-drinks in an effort to focus my charm, I was stone cold sober while I searched for my date in the quiet bar. Seated wearing an alluring velvet blazer and sporting a luscious well-kept beard, I was presently surprised by Critic’s choice of partners (<3 you, Julia xo). As I joined Mr Tall Dark and Handsome in the booth, we wasted no time in ordering our first round of G&T’s. As the standard conversation followed, I feigned interest in his seemingly endless spew of information about, well – nearly everything. From his bizarre knowledge of Toast’s choice of lightbulb design (true story) to his self-described “terrible” day at work, things began to slow. As we started another two rounds of drinks, luckily an intelligent mature male began to show, discovering our shared interest of the word “buzzy”. As our tab exhausted itself, I invited the now rather drunk lad back to my place to enjoy a smoke. Thinking I had him sufficiently ‘relaxed’, we decided to quench our munchies with a sojourn to North Dunedin McDonald’s. Waiting for our food, my now clearly distressed date proceeded to tell me “I feel like going to die omg”.
 
Although scared shitless, it was quickly back to my place again; after all, ‘you’ve got to push these things’. From here things turned steamy, as I seduced his body with ease, the feeling of a full beard was wonderful on my own sadly hairless face.
 
Closing the night I received easily Summer Lovin’s best blow job (take that komodo dragon girl!) And with that, he was off.
 
Waking up to discover that his luscious blazer was still lying on my floor, I smiled. Thanks Critic for a great night XD.