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Critic sets up two lucky students on a blind date.

Jamie Hince
  After signing up in the hopes of getting a night of free booze and some time off research, my hopes weren’t particularly high with regards to the company. Getting slightly lost on my way to Toast gave me a bit more time to worry that this could be one of the more awkward experiences I’ve had. Nursing a decent hangover didn’t help much either.
 
Fortunately when I got there my date looked relatively normal, and pretty easy on the eye. Apparently she had been asking every guy who walked in if they were her date, so I was probably pretty lucky that no one had just said yes and taken the free drinks. It was also a bit of a relief to see her drinking wine as opposed to some $45 cocktail. Economical drinking habits are definitely a major positive, and she had taken it to the extreme by giving blood earlier that day.
 
I managed to summon up the courage to start drinking off the hangover, and pretty soon the inconsequential small talk was flowing. It turned out that she was also smart and funny, so it wasn’t too painful, and we swapped many an interesting anecdote, with minimal painful silences. Eventually we figured out that our flatmates know each other, so that’s sure to be brilliant. The tab lasted about three hours, which I thought was pretty good. We got to discussing how write-ups could be made more exciting using lies. I don’t have the time to come up with elaborate fabrications, but it will be interesting to see what she comes up with. Apparently the dude from the week before had given his date a present to be opened after the date. Turned out it was a portrait of him stroking a cat. As a guideline, anything that portrays me in a bad light is probably made up.
 
In the end it was a decent night out, ended on a high note with her tripping up on the kerb while getting into her flatmate’s car. Nice girl, will almost definitely marry her.
 
Kate Moss

Let’s face it, it’s a good day in Dunedin when you manage to find a 7/10 or above who doesn’t have a personality as dry as a nun’s c**t. Unfortunately, this sought-after combo is about as rare as a bleeding steak. Luckily I’ve been in the proverbial desert for four years so I’ve learnt not to be so fussy when it comes to my meat. My application for Summer Lovin’ merely requested that Critic find me a suitor who shares the same interests as me: “food, fucking, and Facebook stalking”.
 
I turned up to Toast early and mistook the first three male patrons as my date, one of whom ended up being the intoxicated owner, whose offer to be my substitute date was at first tempting, as I instantly mistook my real date for one of my flatmate’s previous victims. After giving the bartender a much deserved eye fuck, we headed to a booth where we chatted over wine and the cheapest beer on tap. I realised this was an economical drink choice after I learnt of his love for $3 meals at the Cook and all things budget. Clearly this dude was trying to make the most of the bar tab.
 
In a slightly alarming turn of events, my date thought that it was appropriate to divulge that he has a deviated septum and a disturbed sense of smell. Cheers Critic for setting me up with a coke addict. The rest of the night mainly consisted of uni-related talk, and a condensed version of his life story. Things started to look up when he offered to use his degree to psychoanalyse me. After receiving some mildly insulting judgments, I had a new-found appreciation for his healthy interest in destroying my self-esteem. Until, however, he confessed that it was a list he’d learnt in class that could be applied to anyone, including previous girls that he’d left in tears.
 
Sadly for him my heart is made of stone, and the only tear he would have got out of me was if he’d resembled Ron Jeremy. Overall, considering I managed to stay for three hours, I must have subconsciously enjoyed myself at some level, and being the classy lady that I am I made a grand exit and no doubt a lasting impression by falling flat on my ass as I exited the building. Thanks Critic, I’m off to find my next victim!