Pisces
You're going to get ragebaited beyond belief this week. Seeing that your dealer has a 50-inch TV, while you had to sell your soul for the $50 note in your hand, will cause you to question if your degree is worth it. It's probably not, but you have started, so may as well finish.
Your lucky charm: A shiny lock of your partner’s hair
Libra
A lucky pot of gold may be coming your way! Finally – the world’s looking like you skulled some felix felicis. As you finally start making some fucking money, consider paying back some of the extensive IOUs your friend has on you from all those late night sweet treat runs.
Your lucky charm: A five leaf clover
Aries
This week, your MasterChef dreams come to life as you go to battle with shield and sword in hand (an Insta reels recipe and the one spoon you use instead of every utensil). You're gonna make an S tier one pot pasta – and then never be able to recreate it. It's ok, we all have that one magnum opus flat meal.
Your lucky charm: An unwashed pair of socks
Sagittarius
Your dependency on ChatGPT needs to be studied. Eventually you’ll realise that you're actually spending more hours messaging your AI than your entire roster. Please try to unplug this week and spend time actually connecting with a special person in your life.
Your lucky charm: A horseshoe
Aquarius
You're going to look at your bank account and choke when you see how much you spent on St Paddy's supplies. Maybe it's time to skimp on Uber and use Strava to travel around town instead. #everydayislegday
Your lucky charm: A wishbone
Scorpio
You're about to fall off a tall horse. Whether it's a rejection from that girl at the bar, or a reality check from one of your closest friends – you're going to get a seismic slap to your ego which will leave you a hermit. You’ll end up watching your lectures online so you don't need to face the world for at least a week.
Your lucky charm: A pair of fluffy dice
Cancer
MURDERER! When you go shopping this week and see plants on sale, remember all those who have come before. Please, for goodness’ sake, don’t get hooked by the Monstera propaganda. Maybe try a cactus or snake plant instead, because you don't need any more green blood on your hands.
Your lucky charm: A rock you found as a kid
Leo
Re-reading your toxic ex’s text for the 100th time this week? Hold my hand as I spell this out for you: S-T-O-P! Your friends are actually right this time – it’s officially time to move on, so take a breath and focus on yourself this week.
Your lucky charm: A cute key chain
Capricorn
On the wander to uni, there is a sound following you. No, it's not the creaking of loose sidewalk tiles – it's actually your knees popping and cracking like an old man. It’s potentially time to hear the seductive call of a juice cleanse and yoga at Clubs and Socs.
Your lucky charm: A pic of Mads Mikkelsen you keep in your wallet
Taurus
When your life feels too tiring to keep living, remember that your mum is just one call away, and she will always find a way to rescue you. Mums are best at making all your problems seem manageable compared to hers when she was your age. Annoying friends don't exactly square up to living without phones or having to walk 26km uphill to and from school.
Your lucky charm: Your burnt asf vape
Virgo
You're going to get really friendly with your landlord's inbox when your flat starts to crumble around your feet. You'll spend an hour crafting the perfect email, one where you don't sound aggressive but are still persuasive enough to get it fixed. All to only to get a reply “Sent from my iPhone” 2 weeks later.
Your lucky charm: Some heirloom jewellery
Gemini
When your friends drag you to Lake House on St Paddys, you’ll find yourself crawling to any quiet spot you can find. And no, it won't be because you found a special someone. Bad timing, but your inner introvert will be showing their face for the first time since the semester started.
Your lucky charm: A green hair tie
