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If You Put Your Leg This Way and I Hold Myself Here …

 
 
Some Sex, Some Positions
Last night, after a brilliant pub crawl, as I slid myself between the sheets on the top level of the bunk-bed, I heard my moody lower bunkmate return. With a twittering blonde woman. She gave me really long eye contact, and I realised that I was probably going to be rocked to sleep. Unless she was trying to invite me in. Thank you, Queenstown. As I tried and tried and tried to smack my brain unconscious, I thought of a series of positions that might explain their inordinate bed-rocking.
 
Swinging Possum
Girl hanging off the top bunk. Great rhythm! Might endanger the structural integrity of the beds.
 
Squandering Platypus
Bringing home someone whose sex you’re not entirely sure of, and plunging into the dark end. If it’s dark, you might never need to know … Which is a pro. However, jumping into anal too enthusiastically says a lot about you. And them. Jesus thinks that anal is sex, too.
 
Gyrating Penguins
Woman lies on man. Straight legs and arms in both cases. Bodies stay stick-straight while gyrating from left to right. Though this position might not make either of you wet, it’ll probably make you want to lay an egg.
 
Roadkill
Having sex during the woman’s period. Amazing – having sex no matter what the circumstances makes you feel like a champ. Unfortunately, the unsightly residuals can put you off your breakfast. This position can also refer to having sex in the complete dark and hoping that you hit the right orifice. It’s fantastic if your beer goggles are starting to fade.
 
Crab Riding
Man lies on his back and lifts himself on his feet and arms into the table-top position. The woman rides reverse cowgirl. Advantages? It adds dynamism to your sexual catalogue. Also a mobile position, as you can wander back and forth along your few square yards of bed. Disadvantages? Height differential. No woman wants to feel like a midget riding a stallion.
 
Ensconcing Rafiki
Man sits cross-legged. Woman straddles him, so that the lovers are face to face. She can put her arms behind her to help her arch her back and gain some rhythm. This position has the advantage of pretty deep penetration and the intensity of eye contact. It does require flexibility from the man, though, and a fair amount of arm strength from the woman. Also, if she has her back to the man, there is a sincere need for clit stimulation. Reach around, please …
 
A whole world of bestiality awaits! The bed is yours for experimenting.