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On today’s episode of scandalous sex stories, we bring you the thrilling timing of a Greenpeace phone call.
My girlfriend and I had been dodging their calls for weeks. “Do you have time for a quick chat about the cost of the climate crisis?” “No sorry!” we’d say in perfect unison, smug in the fact we’d already donated and signed the petitions. We thought we were safe.
Fast forward and we’re waiting for an important call from a potential employer so, like socks during sex, the ringtones stay on. Of course, this is the exact moment we’re butt-ass naked—a bundle of boobs, thighs, and slippery hands—while she’s working a neon pink toy inside me with the kind of focus usually reserved for bomb defusal. I’m seconds from orgasm, biting down on her shoulder when suddenly… the ringtone cries out, stealing my line.
We leap up, hearts pounding, convinced it’s the job call. Instead, a chirpy voice greets us: “Hi, this is so-and-so from Greenpeace! Do you have a moment to hear about our current campaigns?”
My legs were still shaking, but this woman would not take “no” for an answer. As this stranger lectured us about environmental collapse with the passion of a priest on Easter Sunday, the pink dildo remained parked between my thighs. I swear she rattled on for seven whole minutes—long enough for me to have orgasmed five times, but instead we sat there, phone muted, giggling silently like she could hear us.
Don’t worry, we picked things up right where we left off after a quick water break. The planet may be dying, but we weren't about to let that stop us.
Lesson of the Week: Put your phone on silent before sex. If the world ends while you’re mid-orgasm, you’ll find out after.