This week on the Critic Bachelor, the next batch of singles in the second round have been sentenced to another freezing group date. But will romance warm their cold little hearts? Read on to find out!
It’s 12pm on a Wednesday when Micah, Charlotte, Brad, and latecomer Amelia shuffle into Dunedin Ice Stadium to go skating. Joel, in his element, is the first to venture out onto the ice. Micah is next – wearing only a linen shirt. “He’s from Colorado, it’s fine,” Charlotte says as she hits the ice with all the grace of a baby deer.
We all hold on to our respective polar bear skating aids, named Sonya, Pooh, Lil Jon, Nelson, Hiccup and Pickles. Joel takes off, pushing Brad around the rink. “It’s like we’re Jack and Rose,” Brad yells, collecting a somewhat concerning amount of momentum. Amelia crashes into Joel (on purpose?) allowing him to steady her with his gorgeous, rugged arms. “I feel like I’m gonna dislocate my knees,” he says worriedly.
Despite the wobbly beginnings, the group quickly commit themselves to a race across the ice pushing each other on the skating aids. Joel is quick to begin pushing Milly, who seems smiley but fearful. The pair easily win the first race, and Joel calls for a rerun. This time, the lucky single to be paired up with the man of the hour is Micah. The rink is filled with screams as the group hurtle across the ice, nearly seriously maiming other members of the public.
Meanwhile, Charlotte takes a tumble. Struggling up and skating over, she tells me that she “really needs to quit vaping”. Micah makes his way over. “Oh, you know, this is the most fun I’ve had in a while,” he admits. We chat a little about what his parents back home in the US think about him being such a well-loved contestant. “They’d face palm at the fact I’m doing this,” he laughs. “They’d think it’s a stupid waste of time, like, ‘Why are you doing this?’” He tells me that the experience thus far has inspired him to try out for Love Island.
Individual Dates
Milly is the first single that Joel pulls away for a little chat. They’ve only really properly met today, with her being too ill to attend the first date. “We’ve broken the ice,” Joel jokes. “I’m becoming very acquainted with Lil Jon,” Milly says. “I think the ice is very much not broken. I expected [for us] to have more chemistry,” she jokes (?). Over her shoulder, Micah and Charlotte can be seen skating hand in hand, with Micah trying to pitch to the casting team that “this the real Bachelor”.
Meanwhile, Joel and Milly talk a little bit about how the Rob Roy bikkie batter is the best hangover cure, but the vibes seem off. Milly’s already mentioned several times that she doubts that she’ll get through to the next date – is this a self-fulfilling prophecy? Joel pushes Milly away on Lil Jon, perhaps seeking someone with better chemistry.
You do have to have sympathy for Milly. After being unable to make the first date – therefore skipping the rose ceremony – she got a bit of heat from people criticising her for making it through to the second date. “I signed up for this thinking it would be a loving community – clearly that’s not the audience of Critic. [My excuse is that] I had the Re-O week influenza […] I’m only just recovering now.” She sniffles forlornly. Shame on you, reader.
Charlotte wobbles over for the next chat, explaining that she’d fallen on a scabbed gash on the back of her leg. Joel seems concerned, asking about the origin of the injury and if she was okay. She explains that she hadn’t been able to walk for the past week because of it, instead “hobbling everywhere like a freak”. They get on to the topic of injuries more generally, and Charlotte reveals that she used to fake injuries for attention in school. “I loved the drama, loved the attention. I’ve outgrown it now,” she smiles graciously. Joel seems perplexed. “That was absolutely delightful,” Charlotte says as she skates away again.
Micah is next – someone who we’ve got a bone to pick with. The casting crew has been tipped off that Micah has been seeing Joel outside of the dates at OUSA $4 lunch. When confronted, Micah smiles cheekily. “Oh, you know, it may have been multiple times. We talked about our weekends, how life is going and the world's affairs,” he says loftily. “We talked about how there’s a group of international students who are placing bets on who is going to win.” Shoutout to you guys! The pair have a natural chemistry; Micah’s easygoing and humorous demeanour brings out the best in Joel. Despite this, Micah does comment afterwards on Joel's seeming aversion to sweet treats, calling it a “red flag”. Will this put their chemistry on ice? Haha.
Finally, Brad is pulled aside. They talk about his recent lab-work, with Brad commenting that he feels as if he is giving Joel a “research pitch”. Joel expresses his appreciation for Brad’s outfit, approving of his more “appropriately warm clothes”. They don’t talk for long before Joel comments that he wishes to get back out on the ice, dragging Brad with him. “It’s been lovely,” they say as they ditch me, Lil Jon, Sonya and Pickles to be alone with my laptop in the middle of an ice rink.
Rose Ceremony
Standing in a wobbly semi-circle, Joel turns to face the singles. “Okay, um, I just wanna say this has been really fun with everyone. It sucks that I can only pick two of you for the next date. So my first rose, if you’ll accept it, is for Brad.” Brad shuffles over, grinning from ear to ear.
There is an awkward silence before Joel looks up once again. “And Micah – will you accept this rose?” Micah nods and takes his rose, seemingly pleased. Milly and Charlotte hold hands and assert that they will be going on a date now: “We found each other on the ice [...] At least I got to go ice skating,” Charlotte says. “I think we’re better off as friends anyway,” Milly says, unfussed.
When asked why Joel chose Brad and Micah for the next date, Joel told us that he simply felt there was better chemistry with the boys. We suspect there might also be something to be said about keeping a good gender ratio. And that’s that for this instalment. Have an ice day!
Next week in the column, the four remaining singles Lily, Jessica, Micah and Brad will battle it out with karaoke and mechanical bull-riding in their quest to win Joel’s heart. Tune in to the Monday Drive Show on Radio One 91FM at 4:30pm for Critic Bachelor behind the scenes tea.