Booze Review: White Claw

Booze Review: White Claw

The world’s most patriotic drink is now in Ōtepoti Dunedin, meaning the common breatha will be turning their hats backwards, putting on the loudest tech house, and getting absolutely frat-boy wasted. 

For booze reviews, this is like your first child being born, marrying the love of your life, and Crate Day all in one. Finally we have our sticky little mitts on some White Claws, America's finest RTD. After years of drinking lolly water, we can finally drink some real American alcohol until we see stars (and stripes).  

White Claw clocks in at a steep $15.99 for a box of four, limiting how fucked you can get – but boy, that does not matter. White Claws are kinda like that one kid from primary school who used to chew on crayons: we love him, he’s a bit insane, and for some reason he’s gonna go places. White Claws rocked my world and I've never felt more patriotic in my life. 

I began by sampling the ‘Natural Lime’ flavour, and this drink made me feel like I was a Cali girl in 2017 whose only goal is to join a Youtuber hype house. Its lime tinge is real fitspo coded, limiting the alcohol taste. It’s like if La Croix had an older sister who did lines in the family bathroom at Christmas. Admittedly, the delicate, far too drinkable lime tinge comes with a cost: a massive fucking hangover. 

Making for an extremely funnelable drink, White Claw went down rapidly and didn’t stop – like good head or our shit GDP depending on your intentions for the night. Its citrus flavour with little or no aftertaste was godlike, but it did give sparkling water. Like if a mason jar with a handle got crunk. Unless you’re a pussy, the carbonation is a good thing: bubbles aren’t gonna hurt you, bro. 

White Claws have plenty of flavours to choose from, though my personal recommendation is the raspberry one. Much like the lime, the raspberry White Claw is revolutionary and puts other RTDs to shame harder than a fresher caught on Castle24. They must be putting some shit in the water in the US (aside from the gay frog thing), because man, it tasted like the first sip of Coke on a hot Dunedin summer day. Go drink White Claws if you want to have a party in the USA. However, the hangover will leave you unable to nod your head like “Yeaah”. 

Pairs well with: Dom Dolla & flat parties  
X factor: Land of the Free 
Chugability: 9/10 straight down the gullet
Taste rating: 7/10 forgive the sparkling water vibes

This article first appeared in Issue 11, 2024.
Posted 3:25pm Saturday 11th May 2024 by Chunny Bill Swilliams.