Horoscopes: Week 10

Horoscopes: Week 10

This week you’ll feel a sense of calm washing over you, like lapping waves. It may be you, or it could be the bag of ket you stumbled upon. Keep your head in the gutter and you never know what you might find. 
Patronus: Hector's Dolphin

Pisces, just because you’re technically an adult doesn't mean you ever act like one. Situations that call for maturity like a friend's pregnancy scare or having to book your dentist appointment can happen at any time, and you need to know how to handle it. 
Patronus: King Julian

Silly Aries, you have been a resident of procrasti-nation as of late and it's time to hit the books. Elle Woods TikTok edits are a good place to get motivation. If that doesn't work, listening to David Goggins yell “who's going to carry the boat” in your ears for an hour should do the trick.
Patronus: Hungry Hungry Hippo

Venus is calling for you to be creative and compassionate in your relationships. Make sure to stretch and limber up before your next sexcapade, otherwise a pulled muscle will be the least of your problems.
Patronus: Bald Eagle

The crazy is leaving your body and you can thank Mercury for that solid. This week you'll be serving CUNT in every way. You roll out of bed with just-had-sex hair and your outfits make you looking a fucking model. Defs the week to get your ass to the clubs.
Patronus: Clydesdale Horse

You're feeling a little sensitive this week, and that's okay. You are coming out of a rough patch and things are seriously looking up for you. You’ll float through this week with a full body glow and a smile on your face.
Patronus: Cousin Itt (Addams Family 1991) 

Whether your vice is the pokies at The Baaa or the Casino like the high class bitch you are, this is your lucky week to get the bank account looking like a phone number. Live that Elvis lifestyle, Leo.
Patronus: Albino Kiwi

Mate, lately heaps of people have been pissing down your back and calling it rain. It's time to wise up and stop being the laughing stock of every social situation you're in #prayingforyou.
Patronus: Possum in the headlights

You're not imaging those bedroom eyes your tutor has been giving you. They want to take you home and, let's be honest, your grades will significantly improve if you do. It's a win-win really: good sex with a mature individual and the ability to get into your dream Masters programme.
Patronus: Tortoise 

Eek rough one ahead, Scorpio. You have been flying by the seat of your pants and now is the time to claw your way out of the pit you’ve dug yourself with all the shit talking you've been doing. This is Dunedin, and there aren’t enough degrees of separation to be running your mouth like that.  
Patronus: Kererū

Jupiter is encouraging some spiritual exploration. You know what that means: time to drop a tab, sit in the Botans, and reflect on your life. From your weird childhood filled with cartoons and eating sand, to your adulthood filled with blackout nights and worrying about cozzy livs, you may find a new perspective on this crazy thing we call life.
Patronus: Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Capricorn, that new study method you’ve been trying (taking a large dose of Ritalin then writing your essays the night they are due) has paid off. Your grades are skyrocketing and you have impressed your tutors. Take a week off uni, you've earned it.
Patronus: Pablos Escobar’s Cocaine Hippos

This article first appeared in Issue 10, 2024.
Posted 7:49pm Sunday 5th May 2024 by Critic.