Horoscopes: Week 11

Horoscopes: Week 11

Aquarius, this week you will reconnect with someone you haven't thought about for a long time. This person will be the Tom to your Jerry, even if just for a night. Remember to just go with the flow and you won't be led astray.
Scent of the week: Dior Sauvage mixed with 3-day-old sweat

You're losing your grip on reality. The weeks have been floating by; can you remember what you had for breakfast or the last time you showered? Take some time to reconnect with yourself but remember that letting your second-year psychology friend diagnose you is not a great idea.
Scent of the week: Yeasty bread

CALL YOUR MUM. She misses you and will send you money if you ask nicely and lie and say it’s for textbooks!!!!!!!!!!
Scent of the week: The Smiggle store

Spend some time in the communal areas of your flat. It's starting to stink in your room and your flatmates haven't seen you in weeks. Get involved in the flat activities and maybe even suggest a few yourself (everyone loves a good laser tag + Emerson’s trip). 
Scent of the week: Toilet cleaner

You’ve been getting invited to so many interesting events and may have double-booked yourself. Gemini, you’ve got to realise that you can't be everywhere at once. No one will notice if you don't make it to the function, no matter how much you think they will.
Scent of the week: Strawberry lube

This week you are going to be seeing some crazy things and they’re the sign you have been looking for. Let the universe guide you to what you already know you should do. It’s no coincidence that birds have been pooping on you – it all means something.
Scent of the week: Freshly baked cookies

Conspiracy theories will be your bread and butter this week. You will not rest until you have convinced all your friends that the moon landing was faked and that Taylor Swift has been writing Harry Potter fanfiction for years.
Scent of the week: The Gregg’s factory stench

Bro, your flat is in dire need of a deep clean. Bleach those floors, wipe the top of the fridge and force your flatmates to do their chores. You can’t continue living in piles of dirty tea towels and mould. Just try not to make mustard gas in your journey to a clean flat xx
Scent of the week: New Coconut Sex Wax air freshener

It's time to invest in a backpack. Hip and shoulder problems at 25 is not cute and backpacks are trendy again – promise you won't look like you're trying to cosplay your 11-year-old self. Just please for the love of god use both straps.
Scent of the week: Kmart candles

Everything feels overwhelming this week and that’s ok. Uni is technically a full-time job and no one blames you for crying most nights. But don't take it out on the people around you, they’re going through their own shit and don't deserve to be called names just because you can't regulate your own emotions.
Scent of the week: Beach bonfire

Give a man a book and he will learn to read. Give a man a hook and he will learn to fish. Give a Sagittarius a phone and they will take nudes. Lots of nudes.
Scent of the week: Fresh laundry

Sometimes you struggle to get into a routine but, with a little effort, you could excel this week. Reward an early wakeup with a yummy coffee or fun cereal. Buy your lunch if you go to all of your lectures. Train yourself like a dog and you will stop being a lazy slob (for the week at least.)
Scent of the week: Great King St cattle trucks

This article first appeared in Issue 11, 2024.
Posted 4:35pm Saturday 11th May 2024 by Critic.