Horoscopes: Week 9

Horoscopes: Week 9

The tension in your life is building and you feel like you're going to explode. Try going for a run around the harbour, sinking 12 cones, or having a good wank. Take a load off, I’m begging you. 
Brand Deal: Smirnoff

Stop pretending you know everything and start caring about the people around you. No one deserves to suffer through more than 10 seconds of your bleating. Go sit in a dark room and grow a conscience, please and thank you.
Brand Deal: Elmer's Glue

Your rizz level is at 100 and your ugly duckling phase is over. When maturing, we sometimes realise our friends’ interests don't align with our own. Try branching out and talking to the people you’ve seen around campus. You may make a new bestie. Mercury and Venus are in your wheelhouse right now – make the most of it.
Brand Deal: Big Pharma 

You’re in for some romance, Taurus. Maybe it’s stolen glances with your friend's flatmate, or a Hinge-induced fuckfest. Whatever it is, make sure to protect your heart: hoes don’t get heartbroken, but Taurus, you do.
Brand Deal: Still Spirits

As life takes a turn to be more chaotic, just know that you gotta live while you’re young and pretty and can still go out four times a week, study, and have a part-time side hustle as an “accountant” (feet finder). Have fun!
Brand Deal: Catacombs Nightclub

You're driven by your goals, and telling people to move out of your way so you don't trample them on your path to the top is kind, but not essential. Sometimes you need to stomp on a few fingers to get what you want. 
Brand Deal: Huzur Kebab

Your smile normally brings joy to everyone in your life, but this week you'll be scowling and ripping everyone a new one. Your inner bitch is an outer bitch this week, so fuck it – soak in the fear in your friends and family's eyes when you walk in the room.
Brand Deal: Major Major

Mercury and Jupiter are pushing you to see things in a new light and remember not everything’s about you. Your friends don’t know when they are being shit, they just don’t take everything to heart like you do. Stop getting flustered when they arrive late to pres or walk past you in the library, they probably just didn’t see you.
Brand Deal: Durex

The stars are aligning for you this week and pushing for you to commit to the offers you have been given. Get in that relationship, lock in the summer internship, and actually drop those bags of clothes off at a donation site. Life will be a lot more enjoyable when you put all your cards on the table.
Brand Deal: Hell’s Pizza

Embrace the stuff you’re scared or anxious about. Not spiders, but like events and stuff. There’s no need to be worried you won’t know anyone, you’re all that people can talk about after last weekend. All publicity is good publicity.
Brand Deal: Kirin Hyoketsu

New horizons are on the way. Right now, you may want to leave the fucking place behind, but good things are coming. You just have to start paying close attention to the rangas in your life because they aren't real people, they are spirit guides.
Brand Deal: Pequeño Mixology

You're like a butterfly unfurling its wings for the first time – that is, if said butterfly was an absolute munter. You may be the biggest GC ever seen and everyone loves you for it, but remember to tone it down when you're around people who want to dull your sparkle. 
Brand Deal: Purple Goanna

This article first appeared in Issue 9, 2024.
Posted 9:17pm Friday 26th April 2024 by Critic.