Horoscopes: Week 5

Horoscopes: Week 5

Your rizz is at an all-time high. Now’s the time to start talking to your lecturers and tutors nicely. Build that relationship so that when you inevitably forget to hand in assignments, there isn't too much blowback.
Sexy-time song: ‘Close’ by Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo

Pisces, it’s been a big month and this week it all comes crumbling down around you. Make sure you recharge your batteries and trust your intuition to guide you to those who give you a serotonin boost. Remember, the sun will come out tomorrow and mid-sem is near.
Sexy-time song: ‘The Color Violet’ by Tory Lanez

Is it hot in here or is it just you? With the sun shining in your sign (and not in Dunedin), there is a massive power flow in your love life and social circle. This week, beware of overindulging those sexy encounters with strangers. Keep it sizzling, but don't burn the house down.
Sexy-time song: ‘Pony’ by Ginuwine

You are lush and you know it. Your expensive tastes are running rampant this week and you may find yourself online shopping during lectures. While it's fun and Cs do get degrees, they don't get very good jobs. Hold out and one day you will be a Birkin-owning, Bugatti-driving hottie!
Sexy-time song: ‘Talk Dirty’ by Jason Derulo ft. 2 Chainz

This week, you’re eager to engage in stimulating conversations. That being said, get on the dating apps: Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, and Christian Mingle. This is the week to have funny first dates and even funnier hookups. Let loose, girl.
Sexy-time song: ‘Cbat’ by Hudson Mohawke

Cancer, the moon is illuminating your sector of home and family this week, highlighting the importance of nurturing your close relationships and creating a supportive and safe environment for yourself and your loved ones. Remember, not everyone can be as perfect as you all the time.
Sexy-time song: ‘To the Moon & Back’ by Savage Garden

Money, money, money, it truly is a rich man's world - but this week you are not a rich man. Make sure to count your pennies and break open your piggy bank to pay the rent. Be patient with your financial situation and make use of the lunch box your mum bought you. The Campus Shop pie-warmer is not your friend.
Sexy-time song: ‘Versace on the Floor’ by Bruno Mars

Virgo, this week you can communicate your thoughts, feelings, and desires with extreme clarity. You are the perfect person to ask advice from and people take advantage of this. Remember that you aren’t just a side character in someone else's story and sometimes you need a little loving too.
Sexy-time song: ‘Latch’ by Disclosure ft. Sam Smith

You’re a busy bee this week. Everything seems to be due and everyone wants to hang out. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish; pick and choose the events you go to. While you will be missed, sometimes you need some time for yourself.
Sexy-time song: ‘Moonlight’ by Kali Uchis

Scorpio, lately you have been letting your emotions get the best of you and have been taking it out on those around you. Everyone thinks you have been a prick lately and you have. Please for the love of god, work on not being the biggest piece of shit ever – maybe just keep your mouth shut for once.
Sexy-time song: ‘Dirty’ by Christina Aguilera

This week impulsive decisions have been coming from left and right. You want to change your degree three times in one study sesh and take a trip to Invercargill Kmart without telling anyone. While it is all fun and games, real life does exist and once you get out of this manic episode you will have to deal with the fallout.
Sexy-time song: ‘Rich Baby Daddy’ by Drake

Caps, the end of the month is the best time to start building your long-term goals. You are one hard-working bitch (cosplaying Mark Zuckerberg) and you love to smash those goals out! While you are hustling, you must remember to shower; we love you, but you're a little bit stinky (like Zuk)
Sexy-time song: ‘Earned It’ by The Weeknd

This article first appeared in Issue 5, 2024.
Posted 3:04pm Saturday 23rd March 2024 by Critic.